relationships – Page 3 – Sumptuous Daydreams

In your opinion, when does jealousy turn into obsession? When is it too much in a relationship?

In my opinion (thank you for letting that be clear because it’s a personal preference and not a psychological fact – though there actually isn’t an official APA consensus on this issue), I think a little jealousy is healthy, normal, and natural in a romantic relationship. Someone is flirting with your significant other and you get those little possessive butterflies, and you want to show everyone who your partner is going home with, and then it makes for a great night in bed afterwards. It’s not that you don’t feel like you’re not enough or that you really believe your partner will want someone else, it’s more like a reminder of what you have and how happy/proud/excited you are to be with them. Seeing the possibility of them with someone else just elicits that reminder and (in a trustworthy relationship) it shouldn’t do much more than bring out a tiny bit of possessive PDA and maybe a little bit more raunchiness in bed – all in good fun! 😉

Anything more than that crosses the line into lack of trust and it’s an indicator of low self esteem/self worth in the person who experiences jealousy. It becomes negative and unhealthy possessive behavior, possibly becomes aggressive, and possibly becomes violent. Explosive jealousy is the worst kind and has no part in a relationship. If someone feels so insecure about themselves that they lash out at anyone they deem a threat to their relationship, they usually end up taking it out on their partner the most. Backfires, right? The one thing they’re trying so hard to protect, they end up putting at risk. When you’re too worried about how to keep your relationship “safe”, you forget to enjoy being in the relationship to begin with.

Some people struggle with more self esteem issues than others and that’s because they’ve probably gone through some bad experiences in the past. Trust issues are extremely common for one simple reason: trust is easily, and often, betrayed. Jealousy is a result of those past betrayals and lack of self worth. So it’s up to you to determine what is an acceptable amount of jealousy and what isn’t because everyone is different. There’s no standard threshold. It’s about what you’re comfortable with, but in saying that, you also need to make sure that you’re aware of what you’re allowed to expect from partners and know what you don’t have to accept.

If you have to reassure someone a little more than usual early on in the relationship (not when you’ve been together for something like 2 years) and you’re comfortable with that, then that’s more than okay! However, if you’re making different decisions about where you go and who you see, hiding completely innocent things, and/or walking on eggshells when it comes to mentioning certain friends/activities, all because your partner might take it the wrong way and get jealous or be upset and cause another argument that you just don’t want to have again…then that’s far too much. Far too much. It’s crossed the line and you should never let yourself be put in that position.

The basis of a relationship is founded on trust, loyalty, and mutual respect. If your partner can’t trust you to be loyal and if your partner doesn’t trust you enough to believe that you’ll make decisions that are respectful of your relationship then what is the point? You end up living your life based on their obsessive and unacceptable needs. Sometimes it’s so subtle that you don’t even notice it until you’re in over your head and it feels nearly impossible to get out of.

Obsession is so far off the scale of jealousy that you should never be in a relationship where it actually reaches that point. That’s just scary and should be avoided at all costs. You should feel free to do whatever you want to do, see whoever you want to see, hang out with whoever you want to hang out with, go to whatever party you want to go to, and if you don’t feel free to do that because your partner will get jealous and freak out on you (when you’ve given them no reason to be and you are 100 percent loyal to them)…you have a problem in that relationship that needs to be addressed and if it’s not corrected, then it’s not something you should be doing anymore.

My long distance boyfriend and I try to have phone sex but I suck at it. I’m terrible at being sexy. He’s sooo good at talking dirty to me and I don’t ever know what to respond with. I don’t think he likes to be called daddy either so what else can I call him. Please help lol

First of all, you shouldn’t be worried about what to be calling him, just go with whatever feels the most natural. If it feels totally awkward for you to call him “daddy” or “sir” or whatever you think he wants to hear simply because you think that’s what he wants to hear, that is only going to ruin the mood for both of you. I can tell you for sure that hearing you moan his name or telling him how wet he makes you or how much you wish he was there to touch you is going to turn him on much more than you pretending to call him something that neither of you are into.

That being said, I know that sometimes it can be a bit difficult to get into the swing of things, especially with phone sex. You don’t want to sound like an idiot but you shouldn’t be so worried about how you sound that you don’t enjoy yourself. If you’re in a relationship with someone, you shouldn’t be afraid to deal with a bit of awkwardness when trying something new. Focus on letting your partner know what you’re feeling and thinking about. If there’s something about him that really turns you on, tell him that. If there’s something he calls you that turns you on, tell him that, too. Let him know what you’d like to be doing to him, let him know how you’re touching yourself at the time, how much more you’d enjoy him touching you, etc.

There isn’t any kind of science to it, that’s for sure. Maybe he thinks he’s terrible at phone sex and thinks you sound like a pro. It’s good that you’re open to trying to new things especially with long distance, things can be rough and I wish you lots of amazing phone sex orgasms.

-teagan

My guy doesn’t go down anymore, I know I’m clean I shower daily&eat well so I know I taste fine..I give him head every night before sex. I really enjoy it every time &stay down there for as long as he wants. He used to do the same But he’s gotten really used just me & when I ask him to do it he acts like its a huge chore&usually just won’t.but when he does(not often)he’s always all”your welcome”&acts he just blessed me & I should be thanking him. But it’s just an expected thing for him. Advice?

Stop sucking him off.

Quid pro quo. He doesn’t want to worry about your pleasure? Then why the FUCK are you concerned about his? Turn the tables on him. Use the same attitude he has when he “deigns” to go down on you. Refuse completely even. Whatever it is that he does when you ask (and you should not have to ask all the time like that!!!!). He’ll get pissed or be offended or indignant. You say “why should I care about what you want? You clearly don’t care about what I need.” That’s when you point out how it feels for you when he acts that way about returning the favor. I say this because sometimes it takes a drastic sort of way to get a partner’s attention like that rather than to have them hear you wanting to talk about it and then they tune out before you even get anywhere.

Be sure to remind him that he is not giving you some sort of “special treatment” and is in fact just being a decent person by going down on you. When was the last time you’ve had an orgasm? And I mean a real, full on orgasm – don’t shortchange yourself. Explain to him that he’s the one getting off every time and you’re getting next to nothing. If he tries to pull out the AGE OLD SEXIST WHINY FUCKBOY card of “well girls cant cum as easily as guys – its too hard for them and it’s a lot of work to make you cum ALL the time” – please do yourself a favor and tell him to find someone else to suck him off every night because: YOU. ARE. DONE.

Plainly, it’s not fair and you deserve more. Explain in clear terms that you are not being sexually satisfied. More so, I want you to understand that you DESERVE to be sexually satisfied and that he is 100% wrong in his attitude. Remember that because he might try to convince you of something else and you need to always remember that your needs are JUST AS IMPORTANT as his and just because he can cum in 20 seconds, doesn’t mean the 20 minutes you need are any less important or any less deserving simply because it’s a little longer than what he needs. A relationship is about finding a compromise that works for BOTH parties. Right now, you have no such compromise – it’s all about him.

If he’s being a selfish ass when it comes to sex then why keep putting yourself out there for him when he won’t take care of you? Oral is a necessity in any relationship, PARTICULARLY FOR WOMEN because it’s a huge factor in our ability to orgasm, so for him to act like you should be grateful that every once in a while he takes the time of day to go down on you…that’s really him saying ‘oh you’re welcome that I cared enough about you getting off today’. Oral is not a special favor, it’s a staple. And for him to have a double standard for it, honestly, if he’s the kind of guy who can’t understand the simplistic concept of quid pro quo or that it’s his responsibility as your sexual partner to take care of your needs then what is this dude’s appeal anyway?

I probably should give you some more impartial and level-headed advice, but that would just be concealing how I really feel. Should you discuss this with him? Yes. Should you tell him how much it bothers you that he doesn’t act like he cares about your needs? Yes. Should you tell him that it needs to change or your relationship has a serious issue? Yes. Will he change anything? I don’t know.

He sounds like he might just pull a dozen reasons out of his hat to defend himself and why it’s just better for him to get head whenever he wants and for you to just take whatever he feels like giving. Trust me, it sounds absurd that anyone could come up with reasons like that, but they can and they will because there are some people who are just selfish and lazy and once the honeymoon period of dating is over, they take their partners for granted and their true colors come out. Any guy who feels like he deserves head whenever he wants, but for women it’s just a special treat they’ll give out every once in a while…don’t put up with it for a second. Shut him down. You make him realize what a jackass he’s being.

If he doesn’t think your needs are as important as his then honestly I’d be reconsidering the whole “my guy” status and he’d be more like “ex-guy”.

lately i’ve been having sexual fantasies about my best friend, and i’ve kinda been getting off to them. does this mean i have a thing for her? i mean i haven’t really pictured us in a romantic relationship but these fantasies i’ve been having won’t go away

You say you haven’t pictured yourself in a romantic relationship with her…so try doing that. See what happens. I think something might be changing there for you, maybe feelings are evolving.

A sexual thought or two can easily happen with friends, but when they turn into fantasies that are enough that you’re significantly aroused by them, to the point of masturbating…well, that’s no longer a platonic relationship.

Fantasies don’t always mean you want to have sex with a person. Ie. fantasizing about something taboo – like sex with your attractive doctor or someone older or your friend’s boyfriend. It’s a hot fantasy because it’s “forbidden”, but you never really would want it to happen in reality.

The reason why I think there’s something more to your fantasies about your best friend is because friends are intimate connections in our lives. They’re people that are not far enough removed from our consciousness to be able to have shallow fantasies about. They’re very much intertwined with our emotions and rooted in a deep bond. So when you start have sexual thoughts about someone close to you like that, someone you deeply care about, then that’s more than just thinking about what the hottie next door would do to you in the pool.

It’s something far more real.

Help! I need relationship advice if you can help. My bf and I have been together for a while now. I have a guy friend that is getting into the photography business. He asked to photograph me. I dont see a problem with it. When i told my bf about it he freaked out and said I shouldn’t do it. I was hurt because he started saying things like “you’re not a model”. I know that but it hurts coming from him. I want to help my friend out and not piss my bf off anymore. Is that possible?

What kind of pictures are we talking about here? If it’s just a “clothes on” regular shoot then it shouldn’t be a problem. It seems like it’s about more than the pictures though. It’s the you and this other guy getting a lot of one on one time together part. Your boyfriend sounds really worried that you might be into this other guy or worried about what might happen if you spend time with your friend like that. So your bf reacted impulsively with anger and insults, taking it out on you, when really he’s just being insecure and scared.

Now, is that a reason? Yes. Does that mean it’s acceptable. NO.

Sounds like you guys have to work on establishing more trust in your relationship. If you’ve given him absolutely no reason whatsoever to doubt you then that’s something that he needs to work on and you tell him that. You make it very clear that you’re not interested in anyone else, that he needs to trust you, not act like an asshole and insult you. Call him out on it. Just because he gets jealous and insecure DOES NOT give him a license to treat you like shit and say hurtful things just because he’s acting butthurt. Lay down the law!

Ask him to be open with you when he’s feeling uncomfortable (without being mean) and then you guys can discuss WHY he’s uncomfortable with it. Which will lead to a better understanding of each other and better communication and hopefully a dissipation of the jealousy altogether.

But make it very clear that you will not tolerate being treated like that when you did nothing wrong. It’s not wrong to want to do something different and fun with your friend! Jealousy happens in relationships, but as long as you’re open, honest, and respectful of each other – you can work through it.

It is not, however, an excuse or a reason to ever be cruel, spiteful, mean, or just your garden variety of shitty towards your partner. Don’t allow him to do that EVER. Shut it down and stand up for yourself. You can be compassionate and aware of his feelings, but you’re not a punching bag and he doesn’t get to own you.

Do what you want to do and if he can’t accept that, then tell him goodbye. He needs to trust you, respect what YOU want, and accept that it’s your life. Don’t be afraid to piss him off. If he can’t be mature about your friendship with another male then it’s time to really look at what’s going on in your relationship.

Are you turning down opportunities, social events, avoiding certain friends, etc. because you’re worried it will piss him off or make him jealous or cause an annoying fight that you don’t want to deal with? Not good.

There’s a difference between staying out of situations that would be disrespectful to your partner and letting your partner dictate what you can and can’t do with your friends (and your life in general). He may not “order” you to do something, but if you find yourself walking around on eggshells for him because you don’t want him to overreact about something totally innocent or something he might misinterpret, then it’s a sign of a really unhealthy relationship. You deserve better. Please know that.

I know you said bigamy is a messed up road to go down but I’m one of those people who sort of took it. (my partner doesn’t mind it if I have sex with my best friend). I love my partner more than anything but I find myself more sexually attracted to, and thus have more sex with, my best friend. I’m not just talking mentally attracted; I get a lot wetter with my friend than my partner and it really frustrates me. Any ideas on why this is happening and what I could do to change it? It makes me sad.

Love and sex aren’t always the same. You can love someone without having a fierce chemical attraction to them. You can be sexually attracted/aroused by someone that you don’t love. One does not always include the other.

It’s basically our journey in life to not only find happiness with ourselves, our friends, our families, but also to find that one person who embodies both qualities where you’re madly in love with them and they’re the one person that can turn you on more than anyone else.

Loving someone doesn’t mean they’re the one you’re in love with. It doesn’t sound like you’ve found that yet. Bigamy is not the answer. You really think you’re going to be happy for the rest of your life living with one person and then having a back up person to fuck because the first person isn’t sexually fulfilling for you? I think you deserve more out of your relationships than that and I think they deserve more too. I’m glad you’re honest about your actions with both your partner and your friend. That’s something. But I think you need to realize that there’s something missing in both relationships and you can’t combine them to make up the perfect relationship. It won’t work. It’ll end terribly with both of them because inevitably something will go wrong, someone will get too attached, jealous, hurt feelings, lying, betrayal, and then what are you left with? No partner and no best friend.

It never works.

Since when was is offensive to ask a person about their sex history? I asked this girl and she got upset about it.

How did you phrase it? And when did you ask? It’s all about timing and the wording of it.

Yes, you should talk about sex history, but there’s a very specific way to go about it without making people feel like you’re accusing them of sleeping around/having an STD, or prying into something that’s none of your business, or using it in a moment of frustration/jealousy.

It should be a very calm discussion where you both agree to be truthful with each other about past sexual activities. It should be in a private, comfortable setting. Try not to ask it in an actively sexual situation. So not in bed or when you’re fooling around.

Basically it’s: “I know this is really awkward, but have you been tested before? When? I did it (insert answer here).” Something along those lines.

It’s a mature dialogue between two consenting adults. Not “So…how many people have you fucked? Do you have anything I can catch?”

If they don’t want to talk about specifically the people they’ve slept with, then you don’t get to push that. Yes, you should know about STD screening and risky sexual behaviors, but you don’t have a right to know more than that. It’s up to them to disclose any more details and if they don’t want to, that’s their prerogative and you don’t get to be mad about it.

First off, you need to think about WHY you’re asking these questions. If you’re asking because you just want to know what their number is or juicy details on who they’ve been with, not because there’s any concern of STD’s or HIV, then you need to RECONSIDER. The number is not important and you can discuss that later in the relationship when you’re both comfortable with each other.

This discussion is for two things, really.

1) To assess safe sex practices (which should be talked about early in the relationship when the sex starts…)

2) To be closer to your partner by learning about the extent of their experiences and who they’ve been with. This is to increase intimacy, not to compare numbers, amount of experience, or to find out if they hooked up with that one person you always suspected…blahblahblah.

Other tips?

– Don’t ask questions you don’t want an answer to.

– Be upfront about your expectations. “I want us to get tested before we have sex. I want to use condoms. etc.”

– You have to be careful about coming across as judgmental. Laughing, whistling, making jokes, all of that can be interpreted as assholish judgmental behavior.

– Reassure your partner that you care about them and that you want to learn, support, and figure out which precautions to take, not to pry or judge on previous behavior. OKAY?

It’s a tricky line to walk, but if you have concerns, you must voice them. Just choose your words carefully and come from a place of respect and understanding.

Also, just going to point out that you should always choose your partners wisely because people lie. You can ask all you want, but people lie. That’s reality. Be careful about who you trust.

Sometimes my boyfriend doesn’t ‘finish’. Some days it’ll be within a minute or so, and some not at all. He isn’t masturbating, there is no stress (we live together and are together 24/7) so idk what it could be. Is it that he doesn’t find me attractive or is there another reason? I’ve tried talking about It with him, and he says he honestly doesn’t know what it is. It’s kinda lowered my self confidence abit, aswell as my sex drive

I have no idea. Is he lying about masturbating? He could be. But it could also be a medical issue. Maybe he’s having some emotional/psychological issues that he doesn’t want to admit to. Who knows?

It’s not you. He needs to figure out what’s going on and how to fix it. You can’t fix this for him.

It’s not you.

Okay sooo if you start to catch feelings for your fwb (and you know nothing will come out of it) should you stop sleeping with them? :/ :(

Yep. Because you’re going to end up very angry and resentful and hurt when (logically) you know this is what you signed up for.

Get out now, recover, lick your wounds, and move on. Do it before it gets worse.

I’m a guy and when me and my gf have sex she always cums first and I mean I don’t mind I feel great that she’s enjoying it but she gets upset that I never cum, she’s never masturbated and I have, so how can I make it mutual? Any advice?

It’s a simple matter of her wanting to see you lose a bit of control. She ALWAYS orgasms first? Then you have (or she has) to finish you off manually or orally? I think it’s great that you look out for her needs, but you’re either holding back a lot or she’s doing something that you’re not into. If you need her to do something differently, just tell her. She WANTS sex to be just as good for you as it is for her.

When you never just “slip up” and get so into it that you can’t help but fucking blow it before you’re “supposed to”….she can tell you’re holding back and that’s frustrating. It’s also a little disappointing because she wants to know that she’s attractive and sexy enough to make you want to blow your wad right then and there!

Simultaneous orgasms are possible, but you have to work a bit harder for them. The best thing you can do is communicate during sex, be aware of how close she is to orgasm. You should be able to see signs of it (when you’re with someone for a while, it’s easier). She can also verbalize it for you (“I’m so close”), but your best bet is to know exactly what turns her on and exactly when she’s going to orgasm. When she starts getting close, that’s when you need to time your orgasm to match hers.

It’ll be trial and error, but when you see her getting closer, you can feel it/see it/hear it, that’s when you speed up and do whatever you need to do to cum yourself. If you can time it so you’re 5 seconds after her – that would be awesome. Simultaneous orgasms are difficult but achievable if you get your timing down. Takes practice. Most people don’t think to do that which is what leads to the issue of guys always coming faster. You have to actually THINK about working together to cum together. 😉

While you’re trying the “focusing on timing” method. Maybe a few times you can get a little raunchy/wilder than usual, and go all out. Cum while you’re inside of her. Cum before her. Then eat her out or finger fuck her until SHE comes. It’s changing it up. Instead of her finishing you off, finish her off. Either way, you both should always be taken care of!

Have fun!