How did you phrase it? And when did you ask? It’s all about timing and the wording of it.
Yes, you should talk about sex history, but there’s a very specific way to go about it without making people feel like you’re accusing them of sleeping around/having an STD, or prying into something that’s none of your business, or using it in a moment of frustration/jealousy.
It should be a very calm discussion where you both agree to be truthful with each other about past sexual activities. It should be in a private, comfortable setting. Try not to ask it in an actively sexual situation. So not in bed or when you’re fooling around.
Basically it’s: “I know this is really awkward, but have you been tested before? When? I did it (insert answer here).” Something along those lines.
It’s a mature dialogue between two consenting adults. Not “So…how many people have you fucked? Do you have anything I can catch?”
If they don’t want to talk about specifically the people they’ve slept with, then you don’t get to push that. Yes, you should know about STD screening and risky sexual behaviors, but you don’t have a right to know more than that. It’s up to them to disclose any more details and if they don’t want to, that’s their prerogative and you don’t get to be mad about it.
First off, you need to think about WHY you’re asking these questions. If you’re asking because you just want to know what their number is or juicy details on who they’ve been with, not because there’s any concern of STD’s or HIV, then you need to RECONSIDER. The number is not important and you can discuss that later in the relationship when you’re both comfortable with each other.
This discussion is for two things, really.
1) To assess safe sex practices (which should be talked about early in the relationship when the sex starts…)
2) To be closer to your partner by learning about the extent of their experiences and who they’ve been with. This is to increase intimacy, not to compare numbers, amount of experience, or to find out if they hooked up with that one person you always suspected…blahblahblah.
Other tips?
– Don’t ask questions you don’t want an answer to.
– Be upfront about your expectations. “I want us to get tested before we have sex. I want to use condoms. etc.”
– You have to be careful about coming across as judgmental. Laughing, whistling, making jokes, all of that can be interpreted as assholish judgmental behavior.
– Reassure your partner that you care about them and that you want to learn, support, and figure out which precautions to take, not to pry or judge on previous behavior. OKAY?
It’s a tricky line to walk, but if you have concerns, you must voice them. Just choose your words carefully and come from a place of respect and understanding.
Also, just going to point out that you should always choose your partners wisely because people lie. You can ask all you want, but people lie. That’s reality. Be careful about who you trust.
Sumptuous Daydreams 