sex advice – Page 6 – Sumptuous Daydreams

In your opinion, when does jealousy turn into obsession? When is it too much in a relationship?

In my opinion (thank you for letting that be clear because it’s a personal preference and not a psychological fact – though there actually isn’t an official APA consensus on this issue), I think a little jealousy is healthy, normal, and natural in a romantic relationship. Someone is flirting with your significant other and you get those little possessive butterflies, and you want to show everyone who your partner is going home with, and then it makes for a great night in bed afterwards. It’s not that you don’t feel like you’re not enough or that you really believe your partner will want someone else, it’s more like a reminder of what you have and how happy/proud/excited you are to be with them. Seeing the possibility of them with someone else just elicits that reminder and (in a trustworthy relationship) it shouldn’t do much more than bring out a tiny bit of possessive PDA and maybe a little bit more raunchiness in bed – all in good fun! 😉

Anything more than that crosses the line into lack of trust and it’s an indicator of low self esteem/self worth in the person who experiences jealousy. It becomes negative and unhealthy possessive behavior, possibly becomes aggressive, and possibly becomes violent. Explosive jealousy is the worst kind and has no part in a relationship. If someone feels so insecure about themselves that they lash out at anyone they deem a threat to their relationship, they usually end up taking it out on their partner the most. Backfires, right? The one thing they’re trying so hard to protect, they end up putting at risk. When you’re too worried about how to keep your relationship “safe”, you forget to enjoy being in the relationship to begin with.

Some people struggle with more self esteem issues than others and that’s because they’ve probably gone through some bad experiences in the past. Trust issues are extremely common for one simple reason: trust is easily, and often, betrayed. Jealousy is a result of those past betrayals and lack of self worth. So it’s up to you to determine what is an acceptable amount of jealousy and what isn’t because everyone is different. There’s no standard threshold. It’s about what you’re comfortable with, but in saying that, you also need to make sure that you’re aware of what you’re allowed to expect from partners and know what you don’t have to accept.

If you have to reassure someone a little more than usual early on in the relationship (not when you’ve been together for something like 2 years) and you’re comfortable with that, then that’s more than okay! However, if you’re making different decisions about where you go and who you see, hiding completely innocent things, and/or walking on eggshells when it comes to mentioning certain friends/activities, all because your partner might take it the wrong way and get jealous or be upset and cause another argument that you just don’t want to have again…then that’s far too much. Far too much. It’s crossed the line and you should never let yourself be put in that position.

The basis of a relationship is founded on trust, loyalty, and mutual respect. If your partner can’t trust you to be loyal and if your partner doesn’t trust you enough to believe that you’ll make decisions that are respectful of your relationship then what is the point? You end up living your life based on their obsessive and unacceptable needs. Sometimes it’s so subtle that you don’t even notice it until you’re in over your head and it feels nearly impossible to get out of.

Obsession is so far off the scale of jealousy that you should never be in a relationship where it actually reaches that point. That’s just scary and should be avoided at all costs. You should feel free to do whatever you want to do, see whoever you want to see, hang out with whoever you want to hang out with, go to whatever party you want to go to, and if you don’t feel free to do that because your partner will get jealous and freak out on you (when you’ve given them no reason to be and you are 100 percent loyal to them)…you have a problem in that relationship that needs to be addressed and if it’s not corrected, then it’s not something you should be doing anymore.

My long distance boyfriend and I try to have phone sex but I suck at it. I’m terrible at being sexy. He’s sooo good at talking dirty to me and I don’t ever know what to respond with. I don’t think he likes to be called daddy either so what else can I call him. Please help lol

First of all, you shouldn’t be worried about what to be calling him, just go with whatever feels the most natural. If it feels totally awkward for you to call him “daddy” or “sir” or whatever you think he wants to hear simply because you think that’s what he wants to hear, that is only going to ruin the mood for both of you. I can tell you for sure that hearing you moan his name or telling him how wet he makes you or how much you wish he was there to touch you is going to turn him on much more than you pretending to call him something that neither of you are into.

That being said, I know that sometimes it can be a bit difficult to get into the swing of things, especially with phone sex. You don’t want to sound like an idiot but you shouldn’t be so worried about how you sound that you don’t enjoy yourself. If you’re in a relationship with someone, you shouldn’t be afraid to deal with a bit of awkwardness when trying something new. Focus on letting your partner know what you’re feeling and thinking about. If there’s something about him that really turns you on, tell him that. If there’s something he calls you that turns you on, tell him that, too. Let him know what you’d like to be doing to him, let him know how you’re touching yourself at the time, how much more you’d enjoy him touching you, etc.

There isn’t any kind of science to it, that’s for sure. Maybe he thinks he’s terrible at phone sex and thinks you sound like a pro. It’s good that you’re open to trying to new things especially with long distance, things can be rough and I wish you lots of amazing phone sex orgasms.

-teagan

My guy doesn’t go down anymore, I know I’m clean I shower daily&eat well so I know I taste fine..I give him head every night before sex. I really enjoy it every time &stay down there for as long as he wants. He used to do the same But he’s gotten really used just me & when I ask him to do it he acts like its a huge chore&usually just won’t.but when he does(not often)he’s always all”your welcome”&acts he just blessed me & I should be thanking him. But it’s just an expected thing for him. Advice?

Stop sucking him off.

Quid pro quo. He doesn’t want to worry about your pleasure? Then why the FUCK are you concerned about his? Turn the tables on him. Use the same attitude he has when he “deigns” to go down on you. Refuse completely even. Whatever it is that he does when you ask (and you should not have to ask all the time like that!!!!). He’ll get pissed or be offended or indignant. You say “why should I care about what you want? You clearly don’t care about what I need.” That’s when you point out how it feels for you when he acts that way about returning the favor. I say this because sometimes it takes a drastic sort of way to get a partner’s attention like that rather than to have them hear you wanting to talk about it and then they tune out before you even get anywhere.

Be sure to remind him that he is not giving you some sort of “special treatment” and is in fact just being a decent person by going down on you. When was the last time you’ve had an orgasm? And I mean a real, full on orgasm – don’t shortchange yourself. Explain to him that he’s the one getting off every time and you’re getting next to nothing. If he tries to pull out the AGE OLD SEXIST WHINY FUCKBOY card of “well girls cant cum as easily as guys – its too hard for them and it’s a lot of work to make you cum ALL the time” – please do yourself a favor and tell him to find someone else to suck him off every night because: YOU. ARE. DONE.

Plainly, it’s not fair and you deserve more. Explain in clear terms that you are not being sexually satisfied. More so, I want you to understand that you DESERVE to be sexually satisfied and that he is 100% wrong in his attitude. Remember that because he might try to convince you of something else and you need to always remember that your needs are JUST AS IMPORTANT as his and just because he can cum in 20 seconds, doesn’t mean the 20 minutes you need are any less important or any less deserving simply because it’s a little longer than what he needs. A relationship is about finding a compromise that works for BOTH parties. Right now, you have no such compromise – it’s all about him.

If he’s being a selfish ass when it comes to sex then why keep putting yourself out there for him when he won’t take care of you? Oral is a necessity in any relationship, PARTICULARLY FOR WOMEN because it’s a huge factor in our ability to orgasm, so for him to act like you should be grateful that every once in a while he takes the time of day to go down on you…that’s really him saying ‘oh you’re welcome that I cared enough about you getting off today’. Oral is not a special favor, it’s a staple. And for him to have a double standard for it, honestly, if he’s the kind of guy who can’t understand the simplistic concept of quid pro quo or that it’s his responsibility as your sexual partner to take care of your needs then what is this dude’s appeal anyway?

I probably should give you some more impartial and level-headed advice, but that would just be concealing how I really feel. Should you discuss this with him? Yes. Should you tell him how much it bothers you that he doesn’t act like he cares about your needs? Yes. Should you tell him that it needs to change or your relationship has a serious issue? Yes. Will he change anything? I don’t know.

He sounds like he might just pull a dozen reasons out of his hat to defend himself and why it’s just better for him to get head whenever he wants and for you to just take whatever he feels like giving. Trust me, it sounds absurd that anyone could come up with reasons like that, but they can and they will because there are some people who are just selfish and lazy and once the honeymoon period of dating is over, they take their partners for granted and their true colors come out. Any guy who feels like he deserves head whenever he wants, but for women it’s just a special treat they’ll give out every once in a while…don’t put up with it for a second. Shut him down. You make him realize what a jackass he’s being.

If he doesn’t think your needs are as important as his then honestly I’d be reconsidering the whole “my guy” status and he’d be more like “ex-guy”.

lately i’ve been having sexual fantasies about my best friend, and i’ve kinda been getting off to them. does this mean i have a thing for her? i mean i haven’t really pictured us in a romantic relationship but these fantasies i’ve been having won’t go away

You say you haven’t pictured yourself in a romantic relationship with her…so try doing that. See what happens. I think something might be changing there for you, maybe feelings are evolving.

A sexual thought or two can easily happen with friends, but when they turn into fantasies that are enough that you’re significantly aroused by them, to the point of masturbating…well, that’s no longer a platonic relationship.

Fantasies don’t always mean you want to have sex with a person. Ie. fantasizing about something taboo – like sex with your attractive doctor or someone older or your friend’s boyfriend. It’s a hot fantasy because it’s “forbidden”, but you never really would want it to happen in reality.

The reason why I think there’s something more to your fantasies about your best friend is because friends are intimate connections in our lives. They’re people that are not far enough removed from our consciousness to be able to have shallow fantasies about. They’re very much intertwined with our emotions and rooted in a deep bond. So when you start have sexual thoughts about someone close to you like that, someone you deeply care about, then that’s more than just thinking about what the hottie next door would do to you in the pool.

It’s something far more real.

Help! I need relationship advice if you can help. My bf and I have been together for a while now. I have a guy friend that is getting into the photography business. He asked to photograph me. I dont see a problem with it. When i told my bf about it he freaked out and said I shouldn’t do it. I was hurt because he started saying things like “you’re not a model”. I know that but it hurts coming from him. I want to help my friend out and not piss my bf off anymore. Is that possible?

What kind of pictures are we talking about here? If it’s just a “clothes on” regular shoot then it shouldn’t be a problem. It seems like it’s about more than the pictures though. It’s the you and this other guy getting a lot of one on one time together part. Your boyfriend sounds really worried that you might be into this other guy or worried about what might happen if you spend time with your friend like that. So your bf reacted impulsively with anger and insults, taking it out on you, when really he’s just being insecure and scared.

Now, is that a reason? Yes. Does that mean it’s acceptable. NO.

Sounds like you guys have to work on establishing more trust in your relationship. If you’ve given him absolutely no reason whatsoever to doubt you then that’s something that he needs to work on and you tell him that. You make it very clear that you’re not interested in anyone else, that he needs to trust you, not act like an asshole and insult you. Call him out on it. Just because he gets jealous and insecure DOES NOT give him a license to treat you like shit and say hurtful things just because he’s acting butthurt. Lay down the law!

Ask him to be open with you when he’s feeling uncomfortable (without being mean) and then you guys can discuss WHY he’s uncomfortable with it. Which will lead to a better understanding of each other and better communication and hopefully a dissipation of the jealousy altogether.

But make it very clear that you will not tolerate being treated like that when you did nothing wrong. It’s not wrong to want to do something different and fun with your friend! Jealousy happens in relationships, but as long as you’re open, honest, and respectful of each other – you can work through it.

It is not, however, an excuse or a reason to ever be cruel, spiteful, mean, or just your garden variety of shitty towards your partner. Don’t allow him to do that EVER. Shut it down and stand up for yourself. You can be compassionate and aware of his feelings, but you’re not a punching bag and he doesn’t get to own you.

Do what you want to do and if he can’t accept that, then tell him goodbye. He needs to trust you, respect what YOU want, and accept that it’s your life. Don’t be afraid to piss him off. If he can’t be mature about your friendship with another male then it’s time to really look at what’s going on in your relationship.

Are you turning down opportunities, social events, avoiding certain friends, etc. because you’re worried it will piss him off or make him jealous or cause an annoying fight that you don’t want to deal with? Not good.

There’s a difference between staying out of situations that would be disrespectful to your partner and letting your partner dictate what you can and can’t do with your friends (and your life in general). He may not “order” you to do something, but if you find yourself walking around on eggshells for him because you don’t want him to overreact about something totally innocent or something he might misinterpret, then it’s a sign of a really unhealthy relationship. You deserve better. Please know that.

I know you said bigamy is a messed up road to go down but I’m one of those people who sort of took it. (my partner doesn’t mind it if I have sex with my best friend). I love my partner more than anything but I find myself more sexually attracted to, and thus have more sex with, my best friend. I’m not just talking mentally attracted; I get a lot wetter with my friend than my partner and it really frustrates me. Any ideas on why this is happening and what I could do to change it? It makes me sad.

Love and sex aren’t always the same. You can love someone without having a fierce chemical attraction to them. You can be sexually attracted/aroused by someone that you don’t love. One does not always include the other.

It’s basically our journey in life to not only find happiness with ourselves, our friends, our families, but also to find that one person who embodies both qualities where you’re madly in love with them and they’re the one person that can turn you on more than anyone else.

Loving someone doesn’t mean they’re the one you’re in love with. It doesn’t sound like you’ve found that yet. Bigamy is not the answer. You really think you’re going to be happy for the rest of your life living with one person and then having a back up person to fuck because the first person isn’t sexually fulfilling for you? I think you deserve more out of your relationships than that and I think they deserve more too. I’m glad you’re honest about your actions with both your partner and your friend. That’s something. But I think you need to realize that there’s something missing in both relationships and you can’t combine them to make up the perfect relationship. It won’t work. It’ll end terribly with both of them because inevitably something will go wrong, someone will get too attached, jealous, hurt feelings, lying, betrayal, and then what are you left with? No partner and no best friend.

It never works.

To all the newbies!

Thanks for following! Just a quick PSA… If you’ve messaged me a question and I haven’t answered, it’s likely because of one of the following three reasons:

1) I’ve already answered it! Yep! Happens every day. So check the sex advice tags page. It’s an organized page with a list of categorized tags for questions I’ve answered since I started this blog. There’s a lot of stuff there, guys! I’ve been at this for a while.

2) It was a really stupid question. Honestly, some things are really about common sense. YES, IT IS UNPROTECTED SEX WHEN YOU DON’T USE A CONDOM. That was just an example…

3) I simply have no idea how to answer your question. It might be outside of my realm of knowledge or it might be about something too detailed/personal for me to be able to comment on. I don’t know what your friends/boyfriends/girlfriends/crushes are thinking. I’m not a mind-reader or a fortuneteller or a psychic. Sometimes there is really nothing I can think of to say that would help and you probably just need to talk to whoever it is that you’re having a problem with.

So when you give me really specific situations like four paragraphs of an explanation about how your gf is from a really religious family and she doesn’t orgasm during sex and she won’t go down on you and “she did this so I did this, and then she did this and this and then this and then another thing…what is she thinking and what should I do?” Dude…how should I know??

I’m happy to try to give advice on relationships and sex to the best of my knowledge, but I’m not a psychologist. I’m not a doctor. I have no credentials that would certify me as an expert in sex, medicine, or relationships. I’m just me. Here to post hot gifs and maybe help by answering some questions I feel I know something about. So with that in mind…let’s keep going! 🙂

I have a question, lol so my gf and I have been dating for almost a year and yesterday she told me she wanted me to blindfold her next time we have sex, I am okay with doing that but I don’t know exactly what to do while she’s blindfolded? and what could I use to blindfold her? I have a tie and a bandanna, which would work better? Please help lol /. oh and we are both girls 18yrs old and never done something like this.

Do you think you have to use a riding crop or feathers or something just because she’s blindfolded? That’s such a cliche and not at all true. I mean, sure, you could try that if you wanted to, but I’d save that for later exploration. Not on your first try.

Blindfolding is about sensory deprivation. Removing one sense heightens the others. No sight means that taste, touch, smell, and hearing becomes more acute. It’s your first time, just explore and have fun with it. Test it out. See what it’s like! You’re not “supposed” to do anything specific when someone is blindfolded. There’s no manual or a step by step playbook that you’re supposed to follow. It’s simply exploring how not being able to see, increases your reaction to touch (and your other senses). The biggest sense involved during sex is TOUCH and when you remove a sense, it’s going to make touch more intense and you’re going to feel more than you usually would during sex. It’s incredibly erotic.

Make sure you’re paying attention to how she’s feeling and her comfort level during this. If she starts to get anxious or overwhelmed, talk to her about it, stop, take the blindfold off, wait until she’s ready to try again or be ready to change it up if she doesn’t want to try it anymore. Just be alert and aware of your partner’s emotions. It’s easy for a person to get overwhelmed when using sensory deprivation.

A tie is better than a bandana – make sure it’s comfortable but secure around her eyes – hopefully it’s a silk or satin tie because polyester would get scratchy.

First turn the lights off (gradual deprivation is better than sudden), then blindfold her, and as you’re putting it on, whisper in her ear about how amazing it’s going to be, how hot this is, how sexy she is, tell her how she’s going to love what you’re going to do to her. Basically whatever you feel comfortable with saying, but whispering it against her ear while you’re putting a blindfold on her is going to be really hot for her.

Everything that you usually do when you have sex is going to feel more intense for her because she can’t see any of it. You don’t have to do anything different than what you normally do! It’ll be different just because she has a blindfold on. You’ll find out what gets her going and arouses her the most through trial and error. Have fun with it and see what all the hype is about. 😉

Some basic suggestions about what to do after the blindfold goes on:

– Kiss her, kiss her everywhere, lick her, taste her, touch her, turn her on her stomach and kiss her over her back and thighs and neck and ass, then turn her over again and do it again. Take your time.

– Don’t kiss her! Brush your lips against hers without really kissing her, move down her body without touching her anywhere, just let her feel your warm breath on her skin, maybe let your lips graze her, but never any real pressure or kisses. It’ll drive her crazy! She’ll be begging you and grabbing at you (in that case, I would pin her wrists down so you can keep teasing her long enough to get her where you want her to be).

– Give her a massage. Oil it up!

Some other “easy” ideas to try:

– Tease her. She can’t see where you are or where your hands are going to be so use that to your advantage – surprise her – make her guess where you’re going to go next. Don’t give her exactly what she wants until you’ve built up her arousal enough for your liking. If she cums easily, bring her to the edge of orgasm and then taper off, don’t let her cum. Do that a few times and then when you finally let her orgasm, she won’t be able to move for an hour. It’ll be amazing.

– Ice cubes or cold water. You can use an ice cube around her nipples and her navel. Play with her nipples more than you usually would, try biting them lightly after they’re hard and erect from the cold. Whatever works for her! The sensations will be increased threefold because she’s blindfolded.

– Use a vibrator. Don’t tell her you want to use it, surprise her and bring it out after she’s blindfolded, let her hear it first, build up the anticipation, then use it on her. (If she’s the kind of person that would want consent beforehand, then obviously, get permission for any toy use before even getting into bed. You’ve been together for a year, you know her well enough by now to know what’s okay and what’s not.)

My girlfriend (lesbians) wants me to be really degrading to her in bed and make her feel like a slut (which I can get into if it’s what works for her) but i struggle to find dirty things to say that don’t sound campy. Do you have any recommendations?

Find your inner alpha and make that girlfriend your bitch.

It’s really a base animalistic instinct. You need to be possessive. Take control. Let go of your inhibitions. Allow yourself to say things that might feel like they’d be embarrassing now, but in the heat of the moment, they’re anything but.

Here’s the thing: you need to be yourself. It’s not about playing a role, it’s about tapping into the more verbal and dominating side of yourself. All the things you think when you’re having sex – you have to find a way to SAY them. It’s a weird transition because we’re generally used to keeping those thoughts to ourselves, but gets easier the more you do it.

If you over-think it, it’s gonna sound really cheesy. You can’t plan out a script – it has to come from what you’re feeling. Give yourself permission to do that!

It has to come from you and not what you think she wants to hear. You’re not going to enjoy it if you’re just desperately guessing at what she might want. Trust me, you have the side of yourself she’s looking for, you just have to let it out. Take cues from her at first. What does she say/do when you have sex? Start there and see where it takes you. You’ll find your own way that works for you.

Another place to start? Possessiveness is where it’s at. Outside the bedroom, it’s unacceptable and unhealthy. That’s your relationship. In the bedroom? IT’S FUCKING HOT. That’s about sex.

Everything about her is YOURS and you tell her that, make your claim, dominate her, order her to do things to you, tell her what a little whore she is for loving it, etc. Describing what you want, what she looks like, what you want her do, all of that can be a crazy sexy turn on. The language is up to you. You can call her a slut, whore, bitch, cunt, etc. But it’s up to you to choose what really gets you going. Which words do you feel most comfortable using? For example, if saying “cunt” makes you cringe, don’t say it. Just find another word.

Examples: “Fuck, you’re such a little bitch, you love it when I do this to you”. “Ah, yeah, you fucking whore, you want it harder? You’re dripping all over me, you slut, you can’t get enough of me.”

Dominate her, manhandle her, make her feel like the control is out of her hands and she’s just yours to play with. Get her to masturbate in front of you. Put her on her hands and knees and spank her. Grab her hair. Hold her down. Make her beg to cum. Make her beg for anything. Engage her by getting her talk as well. Make her tell you what she wants you to do, demand it, get her to repeat filthy stuff about herself. Ie. “Tell me what a whore you are! Say it! A little cum slut who wants to lick my pussy clean”. Tell her she’s your fucking whore and you’re gonna do whatever the fuck you want with her. Use her. She’s YOURS.

It’s not the “degrading” part that she really wants, exactly, it’s the loss of control. Loss of control can be really exciting and freeing. That’s exactly what you need to be when you have sex – free – uninhibited, not in control of your feelings, your body, just letting everything go. That’s when things get wild, rough, angry, crazy, amazing. It’s all about getting to let go – getting to feel something and do things that you would never want “outside of the bedroom”.

Don’t worry about being campy. She’s not evaluating you like a term paper and correcting your grammar. It’s just letting the jumble of words and feelings and thoughts come out without thinking about it. When you’re in the heat of the moment, it all sounds fucking hot as hell.

(Tip: Establish a safe word. You probably think you don’t need one, and maybe you’ll never have to use it, but it’s ALWAYS good to have that back up. That way neither person is unclear about if/when things cross a line. It’s kind of like bungee jumping – you’re in a free fall, but you still get to have that safety cord around your legs to stop you from hitting the ground.)

I’m a 16 y/o girl. I can’t figure out if I’m bi or lesbian. I know I shouldn’t worry about labels, but I’m a teenager and labels are kind of our thing. Additionally, I’m terrified to come out to my conservative friends and family as lesbian to later have them think I’m “cured” if I end up with a guy. How can I sort this out? I like kissing guys but touching anything below their waist grosses me out. I’m definitely attracted to girls though. Please don’t blow me off, I don’t know who to talk to.

Even if you’re a teenager, why not be a mature teenager and tell everyone to fuck off? 😉

You’re keeping your options open right now. You like girls, you may or may not also like guys. Date people! Figure out what’s right for you.

You’re only 16. You do NOT need to have it all figured out by now. Please, name one freaking 16 year old that has their life completely sorted out? It’s a myth! People will pressure you, sure, but they’re WRONG to do that. You need to remember that and remind them of it as well. Some people discover certainty in their sexuality earlier than others, but there are so many people who won’t feel that way until they’re in their 20s or even 30s! There’s no rush.

This is your time to explore and find out who you are and what you like. If anyone has a problem with that, tell them to grow up. You like people. You want to date PEOPLE. Bisexual, lesbian, it doesn’t matter. You’re open to experiences. If they can’t understand that, that’s their problem. It’s YOUR life.

Don’t let the pressures of friends and family make you feel like you have to define who you are before you’re ready. Be strong. Stand up for yourself. Just because you’re a teenager, that doesn’t mean that you have to do what everyone else does – even if it feels that way. You have options, you can make different choices for yourself that’s not going to be what you see everyone else doing.

They’ll probably be dismissive of you and say you’re going through a phase and that you’ll end up realizing you’re straight after all. That’s okay. Who cares? You gave them fair warning! Just let them think what they need to think and focus on yourself. Don’t let anyone push you into a corner and demand that you define your sexual interests before you even get out of the starting gate.

You’ve barely entered this stage of your life! Who knows what the future will bring? Get ready to enjoy the ride and don’t let anyone strong arm you into slapping a label on yourself until YOU are certain of the one you want.