Tag: sex advice

So I have this best friend who’s a guy (I’m a girl btw) and he says he’s bi. Long story short, after a year and a half of teasing and being maybe too comfortable with each other, we started hooking up. We’re not dating and I doubt we ever will, I honestly don’t want to. But the thing is, he hooks up with me and a bunch of other guys, and I mean A BUNCH. I’m the only girls he fools around with. And he tells me everything about the guys. Am I being stupid? Am I just hooking up with a gay guy? HELP

It seems like the problem you’re running into here is that ultimately you’re not feeling good about this situation. He’s hooking up with you and yet still telling you about all the other guys he’s doing. It’s going from being a casual hook up to you feeling a bit used and not special. If he’s out there with all these other people then why is he with you at all? You’re just another one of them, right? Just another way for him to get off? Is that how it’s making you feel?

Maye he is gay and still has sex with you because he wants to somehow cling to the last bit of “straightness” he can. Maybe he actually just likes having sex with both men and women. Maybe he hasn’t been interested enough in another girl like he’s into you, but the guys so far are just a dime a dozen to him. I don’t know! You know him better than I do, so what do you think? It sounds to me like he’s in the experimenting stage of his life. He’s seeing what’s out there and what works for him. He’s doing his own thing, and that’s fine, nothing wrong with that, but it means that you need to think about yourself and what this is doing for you.

Whether or not he’s “gay” or “bi” – you have to evaluate how you feel in this arrangement with him. You obviously don’t like it because you’re here asking me whether or not you’re being stupid for fooling around with him. You feel stupid! No relationship, whatever kind it may be, should make you feel that way. So think about what it is you’re doing and how it makes you feel and decide whether or not it’s worth it to keep pursuing.

If you don’t want to date him, then it’s just sex that’s making you feel kind of worthless (which you are NOT). Is that something you want to keep doing? Or do you think you could stop and find something better for yourself? Because you do deserve better.

To clear up the question: the problem is that she wants me to talk about sex in detail, frequently, but I would rather have sex with her than talk about it. However, I can’t see her anymore than her parents allow me to and we can’t have sleepovers. Basically..I’m just trying to figure out what my options are in this situation, if you can suggest some.

Can’t you compromise? If she agrees to make more of an effort for you two to get some alone time, you’ll sext with her as often as she wants. I’m sure this isn’t because she doesn’t want to have sex, but rather she’s trying to have SOMETHING since you two aren’t seeing each other as much. This seems to be her way of trying to still keep things going, still staying in touch with you when actually being with you isn’t an option.

When you’re in tough situations like that with parental restrictions, you have to try to make the best of it. It’s not easy being a teenager in a sexual relationship ‘cause parents are a constant twat block, but you have to work around it!

Express to her that you miss being alone together, you miss being with her like that, you miss being able to actually touch her instead of talking about touching her. You miss HER. Don’t make it all about sex, because you know it’s not. It’s about having that physical, tangible intimacy, that satisfaction you get being able to hold her. Sexting can only do so much to hold off your need for that. Explain this to her! Then give her what she wants and just ask her to try to make an effort for you as well (you said you didn’t mind sexting, right?).

She wants to stay in touch with you by having “virtual” sex and you’re frustrated because you want more. Well, sometimes you can’t have more. So try to understand where she’s coming from instead of just saying “why talk about it when we should be finding ways to do it!”. She’s just trying to be with you however she can and your response sounds a little bratty… (No judgment! I get your frustration, but you need to be realistic about your situation.)

Use all and any opportunities you can get for alone time. If the parents are out, in the afternoon when they’re at work, sneak in at night for an “unauthorized” sleepover (and out early in the morning), use a car, etc. I know I probably shouldn’t suggest going against the rules and restrictions your parents/her parents have in place, but…you just want to be with your girl, you’re not hurting anyone, and sneaking around a little bit isn’t the worst thing in the world. Just don’t let it get in the way of your regular responsibilities (school, work, studying, whatever else you have going on).

COMPROMISE. You’re not going to get everything you want at this stage of your life so just make do with what you can and don’t take anything for granted. You’ll get more freedom and independence when you’re older, but for now, make do, and enjoy whatever time you have together.

Hi, I am 16 years old and I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years, we just started having sex and it no longer hurts but it doesn’t exactly feel good. I don’t climax its just kind of there but no pleasure. Any advice? Will it just take time?

It sounds like you need to learn more about what you like and what makes you feel good. You can’t rely on your boyfriend to know how to do that for you. Expecting your partner to somehow be a brilliant sex god and know exactly what to do to please you is entirely unrealistic and pretty much ABSURD when it comes to inexperienced, young partners.

So what can you do? Masturbate. Bring yourself to orgasm. Learn about your body. Once you know what you like and what works for you, bring that information into bed and guide your boyfriend to where you need him to be (that you’ve just newly discovered!).

If the sex isn’t good, then you need to:

A) change something ASAP

B) break up.

Since you’re both very young and you’re new to this, I say go with option A. You need to learn what makes you feel good so start by taking more control and figure out what your body likes. Then you can help your boyfriend understand what you need by leading him through it and encouraging him to do different things that you know works for you (hint: rhythm is your god).

This is a learning experience for you both so experiment with new things, read about different positions to try, work on his staying power (I’m just taking a guess on that one), and masturbate! Whatever you’re doing now isn’t working, so change it.

Your goal is to have each time be better than the last. 🙂

i didn’t bleed in my first time is that normal?

Yep! It’s becoming increasingly normal for girls to already have their hymen stretched and torn early on in life from sports, exercise, tampons, masturbating, etc. You probably had a little spotting at some point when you were younger and never questioned what it was, maybe brushing it off as something related to your period, when in fact, it was a slight tearing of your hymen.

No big deal! (And, yes, you were still a virgin when you had sex. Some people still ask that question, unfortunately, so I’m making it very clear: bleeding, or lack thereof, does not define a woman’s virginity.)

Is it normal to actually be really petrified of having sex because of crippling inadequacy issues? I’m only 5.5 inches long and past partners have said I’m too small, so now whenever I have sex I spend most of the time worrying about whether she’s actually enjoying it or not. I know about using my hands and mouth, I love doing that, but once we actually have sex I just get really self-conscious and worried and my own inadequacy issues really start playing up on me. : /

Is it easier for guys with a larger penis to give women pleasure during intercourse simply because of their size/girth? Yes.

Are guys who are smaller/average incapable of giving a woman the same amount of pleasure as a more endowed guy during intercourse? NO.

First off, you’re not inadequate. You’re not unusually small. You’re perfectly average! The only thing that makes it different is that you have to work a little harder and think a little more about using your cock right to make a woman feel it in all the right places. Should that make you freak out? NOOOOOO!

It’s just about being a conscientious lover. Talk to her. Ask her what feels good. Try different things. WORK. YOUR. HIPS. Try different positions. (I suggested a few below that are geared towards allowing for deeper penetration.) Open and honest communication with your partner is guaranteed to improve your sex life and make you the best lover she’s ever had. Size doesn’t do that. Love, intimacy, openness, communication, eagerness – all of those things are what makes sex as amazing as possible.

You just have to own it. Own your cock. Fuck your girl. Have the hottest sex ever. Don’t let something like size get in your way. Besides, it’s not even length that really means anything, it’s width/girth that makes the difference.

Confidence in bed is one of the best things you can have. I guarantee you that she’s not thinking “he’s too small”, instead she’s probably wondering why you’ve suddenly gotten really shy and you’re not as enthusiastic as you were when you were eating her out 5 mins ago. That will be the part that frustrates her. Not the fact that you’re 5 1/2 inches because I’m telling you – that’s the average size of men across the world!

It would also help to change your mindset about foreplay. Don’t just consider it “all that stuff I have to do before sex actually happens” – foreplay is a PART of sex. It’s all tied together. You’re not just going through the motions before you get to the “good part” where you get to stick it in her. That kind of thinking is going to be a major downfall for you. Kissing, petting, fingering, oral – all of it is part of having sex, not just a prelude. And foreplay is ESSENTIAL. The more foreplay, the better the sex.

Any past partner that told you that you’re too small is an asshole and she should go fuck herself. Don’t listen to that bullshit. When did she say that? ‘Cause that sounds like something a pissed off ex would say to screw with your head. Don’t let bitches like that affect your self-confidence. The best thing you can do is keep learning new things, listen to your partner, experiment, and you’ll be a better lover for it.

Plus side to being 5.5? You’re gonna get many more partners willing to deepthroat which will feel awesome for you and you can hold that over other guys who can’t get it. There are benefits and downfalls to both, no one has it all!

Tips:

– Get her to orgasm at least once before penetration. Knowing that she’s already climaxed will make you feel more confident and help you with any performance anxiety. Oral or fingers or both, doesn’t matter, just get her off.

– Try different positions. It’s all about the angle. If you hit the right angle, it makes all the difference in the world.

– Doggy style:

1) Her ass should be in the air with her head and shoulders comfortably relaxed on a pillow. So not on all fours, okay? Face should be on the bed! For the most effective angle, have her arch her back and her thighs should be together. It’s easy, simple, and feels really good. Also, lean forward during, maintain as much physical contact as you can comfortably manage. Constant contact and physical stimulation of the rest of her body makes makes it more intimate and does wonders for a woman’s sexual pleasure.

2) Both of you kneeling on the floor, leaning over your couch or something of the same. Open her legs from behind and enter. This position is fun because her hands are free to touch herself if she wants. Fucking from behind is a bit of a power trip so, if you want to spice it up and try some things, maybe do some light spanking or role-play. (Always clear it with her before anything happens!)

– Missionary: Put a pillow under her ass and have her feet rest on your chest or shoulders. Deep penetration and great G-Spot stimulation. It’s hard for women to keep that position when things start to get crazy so try using your own arms to hold her knees in place; one arm in the crook of her knee before you brace your hand on the bed.

– Snake: Flip it around. Have her lie flat on her belly with her legs closed. Put a pillow under her hips so her ass is raised. Bend your knees, straddle her hips while staying upright. Spread her thighs just enough to allow penetration and slide on in! Don’t put your weight on her during, if you feel like you need to brace yourself against something, bend forward until you’re able to touch the bed, but don’t fall on her. A tight fit feels great for both so hold her thighs together while you’re fucking.

Keep experimenting! Encourage your partner to tell you what she likes the best and you can keep working off that. The more you know about what works, the better the sex will be.

The size of your penis does not dictate whether or not you’re good in bed. Cross my heart! So no more of that inadequacy bullshit. You have some new things to try. So go get it done! 😉

I’ve been w/ my bf for 1.5yrs. In the beginning I found out about his past of cybering with girls he meets online & porn addiction. It’s been a yr since I found out & its hard to trust him still. I know he still watches a fair amount of porn, he tries to hide it from me tho. I dont like porn, so I wanted to introduce sextoys in the bedroom, I thought maybe if I spiced it up more, he wouldnt need porn. Well he refused my idea. I feel so insecure about it, and it doesn’t seem fair to me. Help?

Being addicted to porn is actually something very serious, like any addiction would be. So, if this is still continuing, I think you might need to encourage him to get help (therapy) for it.

The fact that he hides it, makes it 10x more serious. That means that he knows what he’s doing is wrong, he feels ashamed, pathetic, he probably feels guilty as well, and all those reasons go into him hiding it from you. It’s a classic sign of addiction.

I just want to make it very clear that YOU are not the problem. It’s not something you did or something that you’re not doing that makes him revert to this. It’s actually a psychological compulsion that needs to be treated. If he physically cannot stop using porn and sexting with strangers online, then he really has a problem and he needs to get help for it.

Porn addicts become extremely dependent on porn to meet their sexual needs and then they start to become desensitized so the type of porn that arouses them has to be more and more extreme all the time. He started this habit BEFORE he met you, so he was obviously heavily invested in his porn habits and even introducing you into his sex life still couldn’t change the psychological compulsion he’s developed to rely on pornography to satisfy him. This all started before you and it’s not because of you. He’s essentially trained himself to sexually excited/aroused by porn and only porn. It’s ingrained in his every day thoughts! This type of addiction can get out of control so be wary of that.

I can’t tell you what you want to do in regards to your relationship, but if you feel like you’re not getting what you need out of it, (not just sexually, but the emotional support as well, or if you’re feeling neglected) then you might want to tell him what the problem is and end it. However, if you think it’s worth trying to salvage your relationship, you can ask him to get help for himself or stop on his own. If he doesn’t do that or refuses, then you can rethink your choice. If he does agree, then maybe it’s worth staying with him to work through it. It’s all up to you. Do not feel guilty for either choice that you make. You have to do what’s right for you. The best thing you can do for him is tell him exactly why you’re unhappy and exactly what concerns you. It’s only fair to give him a chance to change it (if you feel it’s worth another chance). If he chooses not to take it, then why are you with him?

Either way, never stay in a relationship where you feel cheated, neglected, insecure, and lied to. It’s not fair and you deserve much more than that. You have the power to change things for yourself and what happens in your relationship. So accept that power and do something about it. It’s your life.

The Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health (SASH) www.sash.net

Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) www.saa-recovery.org

Sexaholics Anonymous (SA) www.sa.org

Sexual Compulsives Anonymous (SCA) www.sca-recovery.org

Sexual Recovery Anonymous (SRA) www.sexualrecovery.org 

S-Anon International Family Groups www.sanon.org

Codependents of Sexual Adictions www.cosa-recovery.org

Any tips on how to last a bit longer in bed with my girlfriend? Thanks!

Few ways!

– Stop-Start: Get used to building your arousal to where you’re almost on the verge of climaxing. Get yourself worked up, but as soon as you feel you’re going too far, back off for a moment (5-10 seconds) and let yourself come down a little bit. Do this a few times and then you can ejaculate. It builds up your tolerance and teaches your body self control.

– Condoms: Wear a desensitizing condom (they sell them in any drugstore). These particular condoms have a lubricant inside them that buy you some more time in bed. Make sure you don’t put the condom on inside out, otherwise the desensitizing lubricant will end up inside her and that’s basically the opposite of what you’re looking to achieve… Try Trojan Extended Pleasure or Durex Performax. Durex is said to be the best one though!

– Squeeze: When you feel yourself about to blow, stop whatever you’re doing (pull out) and squeeze the head of your dick for about 5 seconds with your forefinger and thumb, wait for the sensation to subside. Once you’ve calmed down enough, get right back to it!

– Kegel Exercises for Men: What? You thought that was just for girls? NOPE! You get to try it too! 🙂 Read here. It builds up your endurance (just like exercising any other way would) AND it’s been said to produce more intense orgasms for men. So give it a shot!

– MORE FOREPLAY: You would think that more foreplay would decrease your staying power, right? Not true.

1) It actually lowers your sexual excitement. (This is for men, here.) Without foreplay, the idea of you getting to fuck someone and be inside them is wayyyy too exciting and overloads your brain. Which means you blow your wad too soon. The more time you spend on foreplay, the less likely you are to get too excited too quickly! It’s actually a distraction of a kind… You’re focusing on all the stuff before intercourse and not intercourse itself. Make sense?

2) Besides, the more time you spend on getting her wet and aroused, the better it is for you both! Bring her to orgasm during foreplay so that way if you don’t have the best staying power that night, she won’t mind as much because she’ll have already climaxed once. Besides, most women can’t orgasm from penetration alone, we NEED foreplay, so you’re just being a better lover, really.

where do you recommend buying sex toys?

Well, if there are thousands of sex shops everywhere so I’m sure you can find one locally that wouldn’t be more than 20 mins away from you.

But if we’re talking online…

Adam & Eve is popular and probably one of the oldest online stores. They sell both high end and low end so do your research before you buy something because you don’t want to get stuck with something crappy. The prices are decent and you get free stuff!

My Pleasure has been highly publicized in major magazines. They’re just about the toys and don’t really venture into any other items you could use for sex (ie. a swing). They offer good products.

Good Vibrations is well known and its been around for a while. They’re a little pricier, but they offer a lot of the original versions of products instead of knock offs so there’s something to be said for that.

Liberator has a lot of stuff, haha. They also offer more unique items that you can’t get on other sites. So that’s their biggest niche.

FIRST TIME ANAL

Hey, I’m a guy and looking into trying anal with my girlfriend. She’s definitely interested, but neither of us want to force it and cause her any pain that can be avoided. She said she would be ready for a little pain when push comes to shove, as it might take time getting used to the sensation, but we want to minimize it if at all possible. Can you give me some tips to help start us off and maybe give me, as a guy, some tips to really help soothe her and help her out?
– Anonymous

GO. AS. SLOWLY. AS. YOU. POSSIBLY. CAN.

That’s numero uno. The first time is always the hardest and it does hurt in the beginning and she will be sore as hell afterwards, but if you do it right, it won’t hurt nearly that much and after the first time, it gets easier. I’m glad you’re asking about it because that really shows that you want to do the best you can for your girlfriend. 🙂

Here are some basic guidelines to anal. I’m going to direct the tips to girls and what they can do. You can either have your girlfriend read this or suggest these things to her.

1) RELAX. Spend a few minutes relaxing your mind and your entire body. You can also relax your anal muscles – which would help you so much! Try tightening them by squeezing your butt muscles and hold for a few minutes, then release. Do this a few times and you’ll start to feel more of what it is you need to relax.

2) LUBE, LUBE, LUBE, AND MORE FUCKING LUBE! You seriously cannot use too much lube when it comes to anal. You don’t have any natural body juices helping out here so this is extremely important. The more lube you use, the more comfortable and enjoyable it will be. Use a water-based lubricant. The skin naturally absorbs and it dries up a little more quickly than the others, but that’s why it’s the safest form to use. You don’t want to risk infection because cleaning out the ass is more difficult. So water-based lube and lots of it!!! Keep it close by in case you feel like you need more during!

3) Before going right to it, start off by using a finger to get your anal muscles to relax and open to the intrusion. Slowly insert more fingers as it becomes more comfortable for you. Rimming is also a good idea (tongue fucking your ass). The anus has a concentration of nerve endings and can be an erogenous zone for some women. So the more gentle finger play and stimulation you have there, the better intercourse will feel.

4) Communicate! Talk to your partner about your fears or desires for anal sex. Continue to communicate when first trying anal sex by letting your partner know if it hurts or if you would like him to move more slowly or more quickly. It is important that you feel comfortable so don’t be afraid to talk to them about it! Just biting your pillow is NOT going to help you here. If you’re willing to try this in the first place, then you need to be in a position where you feel comfortable directing your partner in exactly what you need. Never force anything. This is all about easing into it at the pace that YOU need.

5) Women—you stay in control! Especially the first time you are trying anal penetration, it is good to be in control of your man’s dick so that you can guide it at a pace and pressure that you are comfortable with. Take your time in getting it in. This is also good because the lining of the anus is very sensitive, so pay attention to your body and stop if it is too painful. Some good beginning positions for when trying anal sex are missionary, doggie style, and laying on your side with your partner behind you on his side. These positions are the best because your anal muscles relax more easily in them. Men, you need to be on your toes and listen to your partner. Follow their cues without question. If you don’t listen, you risk hurting them and causing real damage to their body. So be extra aware of everything that you’re doing!

6) It WILL be uncomfortable at first, though the pain should not be overwhelming. If it is, stop, and keep using foreplay until you’re ready to try again. Real pain, pinching, intense discomfort, are all signs that you haven’t fully prepared your anus for penetration so you need to keep working on it. Don’t hold your breath when you feel the discomfort – breathe through it. Men, you can help to remind your partners by gently encouraging her to breathe. Whisper it in her ear, be reassuring, touch her, talk to her – just stay in constant communication so she doesn’t feel like she’s in this place of discomfort alone and you’re just there to fuck her ass.

7) Be safe! Shower before and after, taking extra care to clean down there. Do not go from ass to pussy, it can lead to infection or complications. Always use a condom! (That’s not even just about safety, it’s provides extra lubrication and it’s easier to slide in and out…) If you try anal and want to switch to pussy again, discard that condom and put on a new one to minimize the risk of infection.

8) Stimulating both your ass and your pussy will maximize your pleasure. Either have him finger your pussy or maybe even bring a vibrator in and use that while he’s playing with your ass. It feels great for BOTH partners! It’s important not to forget your clit and your pussy in general just because you’re focusing on anal sex. It all works together! Most women can’t climax just from anal so that’s why you need both.

9) For those receiving, it’s ideal to make sure you use the bathroom to empty all contents before starting. It’s rare, but it happens, so try to avoid any messy situation with a quick trip to the bathroom.

Okay, so some particular advice for guys…

– Don’t do what you’ve seen in porn. NEVER. I beg of you. Porn is the worst model you can use for sex. In most porn, you see a guy just ram it home in one shot. NEVER DO THIS. It will not only hurt your partner, but it’s also a mood killer and major turn off. You need to gently ease into her. If she tells you it’s too much, either stop where you are or pull out completely (depending on what she’s asking).

– When it comes to anal, you’ll be pushing in a little, then stopping, pulling out, try some fingering again, then go back and ease in a little more. It can be frustrating for you, I know, but you will hurt your partner if you do anything overzealous in the beginning. You can cause tearing and bleeding and your partner will NOT want to try it ever again. So patience is your best friend. Think of this as fun, not as some frustrating thing where you can’t just get into her already! Play around with it, enjoy the new sensations, listen to your partner, and you’ll be making both of your experiences very enjoyable!

– The best way for women to enjoy anal is to orgasm at least once before trying it. So try getting her off with oral sex (you can also start slipping your digits up the other way to begin preparing her – massage her anus first and then gently insert a finger). Women also prefer having regular intercourse before switching to anal. So have sex, make sure she orgasms, and then for the next round, that’s the best time to try anal. She’ll be aroused, ready, and relaxed – which is key! Jumping straight to anal without anything else is a bad idea and you’ll likely be rejected.

– I can’t stress this enough, listen to your partner. Do what they ask you to do. If you get too eager and go too fast before they’re ready, you’ll hurt them and the chances of them wanting to try anal sex again are slim to none. So do what you have to do to mentally prepare yourself to be patient and understanding. If your partner doesn’t enjoy it after the first time, then you need to respect that. Anal sex isn’t for everyone. Some people love it, others do not. Never pressure your partner into doing it again if they don’t want to or make them feel guilty for not wanting it. Respect their wishes. There are many…many…many different ways to explore and have fun with sex that doesn’t involve anal. So don’t be so disappointed! You’ve got plenty more to try!

I’m an 18 year old girl and I’ve gone down of guys before but we always get interrupted before he finishes. But I don’t even know what to do when he does cum. Do I spit or swallow or? I just need some advice.. Thank you!

That’s your choice! Think about what you’d be comfortable with. A lot of guys prefer it when you swallow because they like being in your mouth until the very end and it’s also really hot for them to watch you.

You can swallow, you can take it and then spit (some of it does accidentally go down your throat though and you actually taste more of it because, with spitting, it swirls around in your mouth for a longer period of time), or you don’t have to take any of his cum at all!

If you’re not comfortable with it then DO NOT SWALLOW. You don’t have to, it’s not a requirement, and your guy will be perfectly fine with it.

Just discuss it with him before you start and make sure that he knows to pull away and finish himself off (or you can do it with your hand) into a tissue or somewhere on your body, whatever you want.

Test the waters. Try actually getting the point of climax with him (no swallowing, he jerks off onto something else) and after you’ve seen it the first time, decide whether or not you would mind having him cum in your mouth the next time. If you don’t want to do it, don’t do it. It’s that simple. Just communicate that with your partner and make sure he’s on the same page so there are no “surprises”…