Tag: sex advice

I know this is super obvious, but you just have to talk to her. She’s not going to swear off sex forever. Maybe something happened during the first time that has her worried or feeling tentative about it. Maybe she felt like it was overwhelming? Maybe she didn’t enjoy herself as much as she wanted to…

It could be any number of things. Don’t jump to drastic conclusions. If you really do care about her and you want this to work out, give it time and that means as long as it takes. Of course you don’t want to be celibate, but you have to be willing to compromise here an give her time. There’s something holding her back and you have to find out what that is.

I would just dive into it. Tell her how much you want her and how beautiful and sexy and amazing she is. How much it’s killing you to not be able to touch her.
Ask her exactly why she wants to take it slower.

See what she says. If she still can’t really find the words, then ask her if there was something that happened that first (and only) time. Did you make a mistake? Was it too fast?
Did it feel overwhelming or out of control?

Was it not good for her?

(Follow that up immediately with reassurance that it’s okay if she didn’t because it’s a work in progress and you want to do whatever you can to learn about her and make it the best experience possible.) Be completely honest and humble.

Express how much you want sex to be good for her, for it to be something you guys share, and if something got messed up the first time, wires crossed, whatever it is, let her know that she can tell you about it and you’ll understand. You’ll do whatever she needs. Don’t accuse her of anything, just entreat her to talk to you about it and show that you won’t judge or get defensive or fly off the handle if she says something you might not like. (Not only do you show that, but you also need to DO it.)

Show her that you care about her, explain that you’ll go at her pace no matter what but you just need to understand more about what’s happening inside that head of hers. Be open, listen, and be a safe place for her. You both have to establish a base of trust and honesty with each other. Everything else will fall into place after that.

He always comes back to me. Apart of me is starting to think could the
people we are now be a better fit then in the past? We have grown. Yet I
still think what he’s doing is really bad and I’m just as bad for
speaking to him given the circumstances. Very confused by it all.

–

No, I don’t think he has regrets. I think he just sided with the girl that’s currently sleeping with him. Now maybe he’s not as into her anymore and wants something different, so he’s falling back on you. Do you really want to be someone’s fallback plan? Ugh. No. Fuck that! You’re not a runner-up or someone to fill in when he’s bored.

You guys sound like you’re in a bad rut. A cycle of unhealthy behavior where neither of you is really willing to let go completely. No, it’s not because you belong together, it’s because you’re each others safety nets. It’s comfortable. It’s familiar. You know what you’re getting with him.

That doesn’t mean it’s right.

Ultimately, you’re going to decide whatever you want, but you sound like you’re letting your own loneliness get in the way of your good judgment. He’s in your comfort zone and it’s easy to want to go back to that when you feel like you don’t have anything better out there.

But there are better things out there. Better people. People who will excite you and open new doors for you and put you above the rest. You’ll fall in love with someone else and eventually this ex isn’t going to have anymore confusing ties to you – he’ll just be someone from your past, a significant part of your past, but still your past. There will be more clarity with time and distance.

I know you feel like “maybe” there’s a chance, maybe he’s changed, maybe it’ll be better this time, but I’m telling you, especially from how you’re talking about it, it will not work. You’re both feeling a little lonely and nostalgic. That’s the worst combination to try to start up something – regardless of who it is. I promise you that.

Use your judgment wisely. It ended for a reason, don’t go back and rehash it all. You deserve much, much better.

Give people enough time alone and they start to revisit the past, think about the good things, forget the bad. It’s a selective memory process. You get lonely, you start thinking about the good things in your past relationships, and suddenly you wonder why it ever ended.

It never works out though. Because it’s been so long that you’ve forgotten the stuff that went wrong and the good things aren’t there anymore either because the relationship no longer exists. People get confused and it’s an easy thing that happens when you don’t have your focus being pulled towards the present/future.

I guess my point is, he’s just reminiscing and if you were the one to end it, it likely feels like something unfinished to him. A loose end. A what-if? It’ll take time, more than a year, more than three years, or even until he really, truly falls for someone else before that “unfinished” feeling starts to fade for him.

But make no mistake, he’s not doing this because he’s thinking of you as you are now. He’s remembering the good things and without someone there to distract him (ie. his gf and you should feel sorry for the girl because how would you feel if the situation was reversed ? It’s an awful thing to do to someone), he’s fantasizing about something that’s now only partially real and partially make believe.

Don’t let yourself get sucked back into the past. There’s no point. All you’ll do is go in circles until you end right back up where you were last time and you guys broke up. It won’t even be as good the second time around, it’ll be a mess of old wounds and mixed emotions. Cut him off. Go cold turkey. Don’t talk to him anymore. It’s not worth the confusion.

You don’t want to be part of him hurting someone else and you especially don’t want to repeat a past relationship that ended for a good reason – even if it seems a little fuzzy now. Protect yourself and let him go.

I think waiting until you’re in a serious relationship puts a lot of pressure on sex that it doesn’t need. It’s a personal choice and if it means that much to you, then of course! Wait. But sex is not the be all/end all form of intimacy so it doesn’t cheapen a serious relationship if you’ve had sex with someone other than them before.

That being said, the guy you’re spending time with sounds like a selfish douche. Don’t waste any more time on him than you already have. If he was into you and shared your feelings, he would be 100% committed and with you. But he’s not. Guys are simple when it comes to this. If they care about you, they will be with you. If they just wanna fuck around, you will hear every excuse in the book as to why they want to keep things “just casual”.

If he cared, he would be in a relationship with you right this very second. But he’s “just not that into you”. I know that sucks and it hurts to hear and you don’t want to believe it, but it’s true. I think you know that deep down. So listen to your instincts, drop him, and move on. Find someone better. You don’t want to be with someone where you are more invested in the relationship than they are. You are setting yourself up to be hurt. Have some respect for yourself and love yourself. You deserve so much more and there is someone out there that is going to be 10000x better and they will make you wonder why you ever wasted your time with this guy.

But you have to be open to moving on, open to meeting someone new. Open and free. Give yourself that. If you want to hook up with some hot guy you meet one night, then do it! If you want to wait until you’re in an exclusive relationship, then wait! But whatever your choice is, it’s not going to be with this current guy. He’s not right for you, you deserve better. Stop hanging out with him and try meeting new people.

He’ll try to get you back (because nothing teases people more than the unattainable), but it’s just a sick game. He doesn’t really want you. There is no grey here. Just black and white – he doesn’t want what you want – so as painful as it is – cut your losses and save your heart for someone who deserves it.