Whichever opportunity comes first! Whatever you feel comfortable with. There’s no right or wrong answer to this. Only that it is ABSOLUTELY OKAY for you to experiment and see where it leads.
Don’t stress. Let it come naturally.
Have fun!
Be safe!
Tag: sex advice
I’m a woman married to another woman, and I’m worried my wife isn’t sexually satisfied with me anymore but I’m too afraid to ask. It’s always been the joke with our friends that she settled for me which was ok for about the first year of marriage but now it’s really starting to bother me and it’s especially bad because now she jokes about our sex life to our friends. She says she’s just teasing but she doesn’t seem to take it seriously when I say it bothers me. I’m so in love with her so im lost
Well, first, I just want to say that the “settling for you” joke isn’t a joke. That’s a messed up thing to say. I can see it being a one time offhand joke, but for it to be a consistent thing over a year? Wth is wrong with them? It’s not funny, it’s mean. I would tell your friends, “hey, you know, it was funny the first time, but now you’re just being rude. Do you have something you want to say to me?” (Maybe not that confrontational, that’s just how I work, lol, but definitely that direct.)
Normally I would say just talk to your wife about it, but it seems like you tried and she’s skirting the issue. Maybe she’s embarrassed or uncomfortable talking about it. I don’t know. My question is, are YOU satisfied with your sex life? How do YOU feel about it? Are YOU getting everything you need? Are you guys in kind of a rut? Because that’s normal and happens all the time.
So why not try something new? Suggest it to her or maybe surprise her with it (I’m sure you know by now if she’s the kind of person who gets a thrill in being surprised or if she likes having a discussion about new things ahead of time). Try things you haven’t done before. Are there any fantasies you’d like to try out? Sex outside? New toys? Role play? Maybe a little sensory deprivation (blindfold and ice cubes?). Google for some ideas or scroll through my sex advice tags. Honestly, it could be something as small as changing it from having sex in your bed to having sex on the kitchen counter or in the shower. Is she usually on top or vice versa? Then switch it up. You’d be surprised how much of a difference even those little changes make.
If you’re still not feeling confident after you try new things or if she’s resistant to trying something new (maybe cause she likes the way it is), then you’ve gotta have that conversation with her again. Be really blunt and right to the point: “I feel like you don’t get as much pleasure from our sex life as I do. I feel like we’re stuck. Can I do something different? This has been really bothering me for a while and I need us to be able to talk about it. If that’s not the issue then what is? Because I feel like something’s off and I want to change that.”
If you approach it in a really calm, strong, confident way, with openness and honesty, then hopefully she’ll respond in kind. Hopefully it will spark the discussion you guys need. Try not to complain or whine.
Use “I feel” statements and be very careful not to accuse her of
anything. There’s a big difference between “I feel like I’m not
satisfying you and it kills me to feel that way” and “You’re not
satisfied with our sex life, why won’t you admit it?”
You want to make her feel safe to voice her feelings. If there is something going on, probably the only way she’ll admit it is if she doesn’t think it’s going to break your heart or crush you. If you show her maturity and strength, that you won’t have a breakdown if she admits something could be better, then maybe you’ll get the conversation/answers you need.
There is another side to this! It’s possible that she’s more than satisfied with your sex life, perfectly content and happy to the point where she’s confident enough to joke about it with your friends! The insecurity you’re feeling still has to be addressed. If she insists that she’s happy with things as they are then try to accept what she’s saying and look inward to find out why you’re feeling the way you do. If it’s not true and she’s totally into you sexually, just as much as ever, then why does her joking about it affect you? It’s clear that you’re feeling insecure/inadequate about something, somewhere in your relationship so you gotta find the root of the issue. Is it even about sex at all?
Or is it something she says or does during sex? You can point it out, but NOT DURING. Just soon after. Such as, did she not orgasm? Did she seem disconnected? Bored? Talk to her about it afterwards. “Hey, I felt something off before, like we weren’t connecting fully. When (fill in the blank) happens, it makes me feel like you just weren’t into it. Am I reading that right or am I totally off base? Please help me understand what’s going on when you (fill in the blank).”
Keep working at it. Approach with confidence and sincere vulnerability. Don’t whine, needle, beg, or harp on the matter. If she refuses to discuss it, then leave it alone, give it some time, and try again another time in a different way. If she tells you she’s happy, you’re gonna have to find a way to accept that and look for other possible reasons that are leading to you feel insecure in this area. You are both rational, consenting, married adults. You guys chose each other for a reason. Remember that and try your best. That’s all anyone can ask.
You answered your own question. It’s pretty simple and it sounds like you’re overthinking it. You’re just not that into him. You were interested because of the commonalities and the sex was decent, then you got turned off by some facets of his personality and clinginess.
Alright! So it didn’t work out. No harm, no foul. That’s why you DATED.
Dating = testing the waters. You tested. You didn’t like it that much. Time to move on.
Saying you don’t want to date a guy anymore because you’re just not that into him doesn’t make you a bitch. It’s the exact purpose of dating. You get to know someone, you see if you click, and 9/10 you won’t. Sometimes it’s more obvious than others. Sometimes it takes a couple weeks or a couple months to realize it’s just not working. You liked some things about him, but he’s throwing up red flags for you in other places. Okay, you tried.
It doesn’t mean he’s a bad guy. They don’t have to be terrible people in order to not date them. It’s just not the right fit. And if I sum up your dilemma, what you’re saying to me is “sometimes he makes me cringe and feel so uncomfortable to the point where I want to run to escape, but won’t it make me look mean if I end it?”
Come on!
It’s never fun to hurt someone’s feelings (unless they’re gigantic assholes, then it’s the best time ever), but prolonging it is gonna be so much worse. You’re being up front, honest, and straightforward by saying to him “you know, this isn’t working out for me”. That’s it. That’s the right thing to do. Not always easy, but it’s RIGHT.
As for being “just friends”. Nope. Don’t do it. Don’t say it. Don’t try it. One, when a person has opened up about their feelings, is really into you, and you say “let’s just be friends”, it can be really condescending and perhaps even more hurtful. Two, lovers-turned-friends is for lesbians/bisexual women. Men have not yet been able to grasp the complexities of a relationship like that. DO. NOT. BOTHER. If he agrees to just be friends, it’s probably cause he thinks he’ll be able to figure out a way to make you change your mind. It’ll get messy.
I know you like other parts of his personality, but you are far better off just nipping it in the bud now, cutting ties, and moving on.
Hi, I’ve looked through a LOT of your asks and didn’t see any quite like this, so hopefully it’s not something you’ve seen a lot, if at all. My guy and I are in a long distance and don’t get a ton of time together, so we want to make the most of what we do get. However, I have yet to cum with him, not by his fault at all. He’s amazing. I’m just scared of the feelings. Any advice on how to loosen up? Masturbating doesn’t give me much feel, but his touch does, so I can’t get used to it beforehand.
I assume that when you say that you’re “scared of the feelings” you mean how overwhelming and intense an orgasm can be? Let me address that first.
1)
Try some deep breathing. It’s like you’re trying to breathe every
ounce of pleasure happening to your body further inside yourself. You
feel it more acutely and then you have to relax and ALLOW your body to
feel it (in the exhale). Men get all tight and clenched right before
they orgasm, but women need to be as calm and open to pleasure as they
can possibly be in order to allow their body to crest and fall over the
tipping point.
2) It gets intense and it can feel like too much. But don’t hold your breath or psych yourself out. Nothing bad is going to happen to you. It won’t hurt. Let it wash over you and build. Grab onto your partner, trust them, and let yourself go. This takes practice, but you can get there.
So, the first step is to talk to your partner about this. Tell him how
you’ve been feeling. He’s in it with you, you’re not alone. A HUGE part of being able to relax during sex is if you trust the person you’re with. Another aspect of it is having self confidence. Are you second guessing yourself a lot during it? Are you feeling insecure about some things? If you trust your partner, they can be a source of relief for you. If they know you’re having trouble letting go, they can help by slowing things down. It can be so sexy to have your partner whispering how hot they find you and reminding you to breathe into it, let go, tell you that you’re safe, how much they want you – really anything. Think about what he can do or say that would help you relax when you’re together, what would give you more confidence, and then tell him that! If he cares about you, he will want to do everything he can to make your experience more pleasurable. Talk it out.
Now, this is just a guess on my part, but it sounds like you’re putting a TON of pressure on yourself because you feel like you’re always running out of time with the long distance thing.
You gotta take the pressure off. Stop rushing it. Stop forcing it. Let it happen naturally. I know you want to make the most of your time together, but it’s not helping you to be so focused on this aspect. The key here is to stop thinking about an orgasm. It’s about the journey, not the destination. 😉 If you’re so intently focused on orgasming, that’s all you’re going to think about when you’re together. You’re going to hyper-fixate, obsess, worry, and then guilt yourself when it obviously doesn’t happen because you’ve been psyching yourself out the whole time.
Slow it down. Make out a lot. Heavy petting. Have him go down on you. Prolong everything you do before p in v intercourse.
Be soaking wet and horny as hell.
You wanna be halfway there before he’s even inside of you. Then don’t think about having an orgasm, simply focus on experiencing pleasure. The less thinking you do, the more relaxed you’ll be, and you’ll get to just enjoy it all.
so i haven’t really talked to my ex for a while now, but when we do happen to talk (which is really rare), she would use this really condescending tone with me. I really don’t appreciate this, and I feel kinda hurt bc we used to be best friends, but how do I tell her that she’s being really mean in a much nicer way? Or should I just ignore her completely? Would prefer not to cut her out completely bc she was still my best friend.
Personally, I’m pretty straightforward. I would call her out on it in
the moment when she says something condescending. “Hey, that was pretty
condescending”, “okay, that was mean, why would you say that?”, or
“whoa, that was kinda rude, what’s up with that?”.
You just
gotta point it out to people in the moment and come from a calm
perspective of “where is this coming from?” If you get angry or heated
or super emotional, it usually makes people want to put up a wall or run
away from the conversation. So if you stay calm and you ask her why
she’s speaking to you that way, saying rude things, it’ll open up a
dialogue.
She’ll either not realize that’s how she’s coming
across and apologize or she’ll flat out deny it (maybe even turn it on
you and say you’re being too sensitive). Whatever her excuse, just be
honest and tell her that it’s hurtful.
The way she handles it
after you tell her that it’s hurtful will give you your answer. If she
continues to behave that way, deny that she’s doing anything wrong, and
even blame you, then this is not a person you want in your life. You
walk away from it knowing that you tried and she had a chance to turn it
around.
I hope it ends up working out better than that. Maybe
she’ll hear you, apologize, and make conscious decisions to change her
attitude. That would be great and I hope it happens. If it doesn’t,
please be kind to yourself and know that you don’t ever deserve to be
treated that way, no matter what. As much as it might hurt to walk away,
it’ll ultimately be the best gift you could give yourself.
I’ve been really interesting in masturbating recently (I’m a girl) but I just can’t seem to get wet. And on the rare occasion that I do get wet, I can’t make myself cum unless I’m humping a pillow. Any advice on how to get wet?
It seems like you’re overthinking it, trying to force your arousal. Let it happen more naturally, slowly. If you’re feeling horny, let your mind wander a bit – think about things that turn you on. Daydream a bit. Maybe scroll through a sexy tumblr ;). Read some smut/erotica. Watch some porn if that appeals to you. Let your body settle into a state of arousal before you set out to go from 0-100 and masturbate instantly!
Put yourself in an atmosphere that’s quiet and relaxing. Turn on some music, low, if that’s something you like. You want to feel safe and comfortable, without fear of interruption (if you can). Try taking a soothing bath to relax you. Think of it as a slow ease into arousal.
It’s all about your frame of mind. If you’re feeling relaxed, comfortable, and you have time to just close your eyes and daydream about whatever it is that turns you on, that will do the trick. If your head is kind of cluttered that day and you need that extra boost, porn – whether read or watched – can help.
Don’t force it. Don’t overthink. Let your body take its time and react naturally to whatever stimulation is provided. Also, nothing wrong with humping a pillow, but you can check my sex advice tags for more tips on masturbating if you want.
I was experimental with sex in relationships before the one I’m in, but my current boyfriend dislikes experimenting in bed, even though I’ve been slow and encouraging with him. I can enjoy most anything, if it makes my partner feel good, but he only likes missionary, or me on top (occasionally). I’ve had conversations with him, even tried to introduce new things, but he’s just not interested. I’d like to enjoy the ones that turn me on the most, but he is balking at all attempts. HELP!
If it’s not his thing, then it’s not his thing.
Some people are very specific and narrow in what they enjoy and that’s okay! Problem is: it’s not satisfying you. Unfortunately, it doesn’t sound like you guys are sexually compatible. It happens all the time. If he’s not interested in the things that excite you and fulfill you sexually then you have a decision to make.
You’ve discussed it with him, given him the information about what you want/like/need, but they’re not things that HE is into. No one is in the wrong here. You’re just not compatible at that level and you should be with someone who is. You’ll find them. 🙂
Although 99% of the time it’s over when the man cums. Not fair at all.
To be clear, I was speaking specifically about a relationship between two women. It’s a whole different ball game when it comes to lack of orgasm in a heterosexual relationship. Because men will (almost) always achieve orgasm whereas a staggeringly small percentage of straight women do.
Recent studies show…
96% of straight men regularly achieve orgasm during sex.
89% of lesbians regularly achieve orgasm during sex.
88% of bi/gay men regularly achieve orgasm during sex.
64% of heterosexual women regularly achieve orgasm during sex.
That’s downright horrifying. So, yes, it is an entirely different discussion when it comes to orgasms and heterosexual relationships. (And, yes, you’re right – it’s largely due to the act of sex being viewed as complete when the man finishes.)
So, there’s times I’m playing with my girlfriend and after a while I’m no longer interested in coming but I did enjoy the experience. Is this normal? I’d like to think it’s possible to enjoy sex without release. (I’m a woman, by the way.)
ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY!
Orgasm is not the be all, end all. It’s an enjoyable release, but sometimes it requires too much energy to expend, energy that you just might not have at that moment, but it doesn’t mean you don’t want to still experience pleasure.
Sex is about pleasure – not an orgasm. It’s a way to release energy (varying levels of it) and share intimacy. It’s a chance to play and experiment, and there’s the opportunity to GIVE pleasure as well – which is gratifying in a different way.
Now, of course, this is different for everyone. Some women don’t mind not always having an orgasm – they’re happy to please their partners, enjoy the intimacy, experience the pleasure of touch, oral, etc. But there are others who would be extremely frustrated by the lack of an orgasm – craving it far more. Everyone’s different!
If you are not left feeling discontent, unsatisfied, or frustrated, then it is absolutely okay to not orgasm sometimes or not even desire it. You’re enjoying being with your girlfriend. You’re enjoying that intimacy and pleasure of touch. It doesn’t have to result in an orgasm if you just don’t want to push yourself to the limit that day. Totally normal.
This does not mean you should never want an orgasm. If your sex drive is more subdued than past experience, then you might want to consider factors in your life that are contributing to that. But if there’s occasions where you have that body wracking, toe curling orgasm and then occasions where you’re enjoying just being in the moment while not reaching climax – I’d say you have a pretty darn healthy and fulfilling sex life.
Sumptuous Daydreams 