Tag: relationships

So I have this best friend who’s a guy (I’m a girl btw) and he says he’s bi. Long story short, after a year and a half of teasing and being maybe too comfortable with each other, we started hooking up. We’re not dating and I doubt we ever will, I honestly don’t want to. But the thing is, he hooks up with me and a bunch of other guys, and I mean A BUNCH. I’m the only girls he fools around with. And he tells me everything about the guys. Am I being stupid? Am I just hooking up with a gay guy? HELP

It seems like the problem you’re running into here is that ultimately you’re not feeling good about this situation. He’s hooking up with you and yet still telling you about all the other guys he’s doing. It’s going from being a casual hook up to you feeling a bit used and not special. If he’s out there with all these other people then why is he with you at all? You’re just another one of them, right? Just another way for him to get off? Is that how it’s making you feel?

Maye he is gay and still has sex with you because he wants to somehow cling to the last bit of “straightness” he can. Maybe he actually just likes having sex with both men and women. Maybe he hasn’t been interested enough in another girl like he’s into you, but the guys so far are just a dime a dozen to him. I don’t know! You know him better than I do, so what do you think? It sounds to me like he’s in the experimenting stage of his life. He’s seeing what’s out there and what works for him. He’s doing his own thing, and that’s fine, nothing wrong with that, but it means that you need to think about yourself and what this is doing for you.

Whether or not he’s “gay” or “bi” – you have to evaluate how you feel in this arrangement with him. You obviously don’t like it because you’re here asking me whether or not you’re being stupid for fooling around with him. You feel stupid! No relationship, whatever kind it may be, should make you feel that way. So think about what it is you’re doing and how it makes you feel and decide whether or not it’s worth it to keep pursuing.

If you don’t want to date him, then it’s just sex that’s making you feel kind of worthless (which you are NOT). Is that something you want to keep doing? Or do you think you could stop and find something better for yourself? Because you do deserve better.

To clear up the question: the problem is that she wants me to talk about sex in detail, frequently, but I would rather have sex with her than talk about it. However, I can’t see her anymore than her parents allow me to and we can’t have sleepovers. Basically..I’m just trying to figure out what my options are in this situation, if you can suggest some.

Can’t you compromise? If she agrees to make more of an effort for you two to get some alone time, you’ll sext with her as often as she wants. I’m sure this isn’t because she doesn’t want to have sex, but rather she’s trying to have SOMETHING since you two aren’t seeing each other as much. This seems to be her way of trying to still keep things going, still staying in touch with you when actually being with you isn’t an option.

When you’re in tough situations like that with parental restrictions, you have to try to make the best of it. It’s not easy being a teenager in a sexual relationship ‘cause parents are a constant twat block, but you have to work around it!

Express to her that you miss being alone together, you miss being with her like that, you miss being able to actually touch her instead of talking about touching her. You miss HER. Don’t make it all about sex, because you know it’s not. It’s about having that physical, tangible intimacy, that satisfaction you get being able to hold her. Sexting can only do so much to hold off your need for that. Explain this to her! Then give her what she wants and just ask her to try to make an effort for you as well (you said you didn’t mind sexting, right?).

She wants to stay in touch with you by having “virtual” sex and you’re frustrated because you want more. Well, sometimes you can’t have more. So try to understand where she’s coming from instead of just saying “why talk about it when we should be finding ways to do it!”. She’s just trying to be with you however she can and your response sounds a little bratty… (No judgment! I get your frustration, but you need to be realistic about your situation.)

Use all and any opportunities you can get for alone time. If the parents are out, in the afternoon when they’re at work, sneak in at night for an “unauthorized” sleepover (and out early in the morning), use a car, etc. I know I probably shouldn’t suggest going against the rules and restrictions your parents/her parents have in place, but…you just want to be with your girl, you’re not hurting anyone, and sneaking around a little bit isn’t the worst thing in the world. Just don’t let it get in the way of your regular responsibilities (school, work, studying, whatever else you have going on).

COMPROMISE. You’re not going to get everything you want at this stage of your life so just make do with what you can and don’t take anything for granted. You’ll get more freedom and independence when you’re older, but for now, make do, and enjoy whatever time you have together.

Hi, I am 16 years old and I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years, we just started having sex and it no longer hurts but it doesn’t exactly feel good. I don’t climax its just kind of there but no pleasure. Any advice? Will it just take time?

It sounds like you need to learn more about what you like and what makes you feel good. You can’t rely on your boyfriend to know how to do that for you. Expecting your partner to somehow be a brilliant sex god and know exactly what to do to please you is entirely unrealistic and pretty much ABSURD when it comes to inexperienced, young partners.

So what can you do? Masturbate. Bring yourself to orgasm. Learn about your body. Once you know what you like and what works for you, bring that information into bed and guide your boyfriend to where you need him to be (that you’ve just newly discovered!).

If the sex isn’t good, then you need to:

A) change something ASAP

B) break up.

Since you’re both very young and you’re new to this, I say go with option A. You need to learn what makes you feel good so start by taking more control and figure out what your body likes. Then you can help your boyfriend understand what you need by leading him through it and encouraging him to do different things that you know works for you (hint: rhythm is your god).

This is a learning experience for you both so experiment with new things, read about different positions to try, work on his staying power (I’m just taking a guess on that one), and masturbate! Whatever you’re doing now isn’t working, so change it.

Your goal is to have each time be better than the last. 🙂

I’ve been w/ my bf for 1.5yrs. In the beginning I found out about his past of cybering with girls he meets online & porn addiction. It’s been a yr since I found out & its hard to trust him still. I know he still watches a fair amount of porn, he tries to hide it from me tho. I dont like porn, so I wanted to introduce sextoys in the bedroom, I thought maybe if I spiced it up more, he wouldnt need porn. Well he refused my idea. I feel so insecure about it, and it doesn’t seem fair to me. Help?

Being addicted to porn is actually something very serious, like any addiction would be. So, if this is still continuing, I think you might need to encourage him to get help (therapy) for it.

The fact that he hides it, makes it 10x more serious. That means that he knows what he’s doing is wrong, he feels ashamed, pathetic, he probably feels guilty as well, and all those reasons go into him hiding it from you. It’s a classic sign of addiction.

I just want to make it very clear that YOU are not the problem. It’s not something you did or something that you’re not doing that makes him revert to this. It’s actually a psychological compulsion that needs to be treated. If he physically cannot stop using porn and sexting with strangers online, then he really has a problem and he needs to get help for it.

Porn addicts become extremely dependent on porn to meet their sexual needs and then they start to become desensitized so the type of porn that arouses them has to be more and more extreme all the time. He started this habit BEFORE he met you, so he was obviously heavily invested in his porn habits and even introducing you into his sex life still couldn’t change the psychological compulsion he’s developed to rely on pornography to satisfy him. This all started before you and it’s not because of you. He’s essentially trained himself to sexually excited/aroused by porn and only porn. It’s ingrained in his every day thoughts! This type of addiction can get out of control so be wary of that.

I can’t tell you what you want to do in regards to your relationship, but if you feel like you’re not getting what you need out of it, (not just sexually, but the emotional support as well, or if you’re feeling neglected) then you might want to tell him what the problem is and end it. However, if you think it’s worth trying to salvage your relationship, you can ask him to get help for himself or stop on his own. If he doesn’t do that or refuses, then you can rethink your choice. If he does agree, then maybe it’s worth staying with him to work through it. It’s all up to you. Do not feel guilty for either choice that you make. You have to do what’s right for you. The best thing you can do for him is tell him exactly why you’re unhappy and exactly what concerns you. It’s only fair to give him a chance to change it (if you feel it’s worth another chance). If he chooses not to take it, then why are you with him?

Either way, never stay in a relationship where you feel cheated, neglected, insecure, and lied to. It’s not fair and you deserve much more than that. You have the power to change things for yourself and what happens in your relationship. So accept that power and do something about it. It’s your life.

The Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health (SASH) www.sash.net

Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) www.saa-recovery.org

Sexaholics Anonymous (SA) www.sa.org

Sexual Compulsives Anonymous (SCA) www.sca-recovery.org

Sexual Recovery Anonymous (SRA) www.sexualrecovery.org 

S-Anon International Family Groups www.sanon.org

Codependents of Sexual Adictions www.cosa-recovery.org

Hi, so my bf and I talked and it turns out I’m not that great at sex. The thing is I was a virging when I met him so I don’t have any experiance, on top of that I’m scared of failure and am too self-conscious to really act on my ideas. His previous gf was a big time slut wih all the right moves and I feel like I’m letting him down. Can you give me some tips on how to be more daring and not be so damn shy and just blow his mind?

Did he TELL you that you’re not good in bed???? If he did, I say tell him he can go fuck himself and you can find someone better than that asshole. No one should ever make you feel insecure or tell you that you’re not “up to par” in bed. That’s fucking bullshit. You don’t even want to be with an dickhead who acts like that! He doesn’t deserve the time of day from you!

However, if this is more of YOUR perceived insecurities and not exactly what he said, then let’s talk about it.

First things first, you have to forget about his ex. You will never get anywhere by comparing yourself to her. And just because she was experienced, doesn’t mean she was any good. He’s with YOU now, not her. Obviously she was lacking somehow for him because he’s with you now. Make sure you remind yourself of that every time you start to let those thoughts creep back in, self-doubt, and comparing yourself. The ex doesn’t matter. It’s all about you and him right now.

I know you said you talked to him, but what did he say exactly? If he was looking for something in bed that you guys haven’t been doing, then he should have been specific about what it was. How else are you going to know? Talk to him, communicate, find out what it is that he wants that you guys aren’t doing and then test it out.

Enthusiasm and confidence are the biggest benchmarks of good sex. It’s a huge turn on for both men and women. Taking charge with confidence is one of the hottest things you can do. So to hell with his ex, he’s yours now! Act on your ideas! I know you have them. I think that you know exactly what you want to do and how to spice things up, but you’re holding back because you’re worried about being held up to ex for comparison. Nothing is going to change for you until you stop thinking like that and let the past be the past. He wants to be with you so instead of being shy and insecure, let this be your damn victory parade! He’s going to find it the hottest thing ever.

Honestly, I think that’s what it comes down to. You’re letting the “idea” of his experienced ex get in between you and it’s interfering with your sex life! You’re not letting him down, I promise you. And it’s not all about him! What about you? Are you getting enough satisfaction from your sex life? I’m gonna guess no. Why? Because you’re too freaked out about not being good enough to enjoy it fully. Or maybe he’s a shit lay. I don’t know! But you owe it to yourself to try to figure this out.

Talk to him, talk about what he feels is missing, talk about what you’re not getting either, tell him what you’re worried about, tell him that you’re worried about not matching up. That’s something he would want to know! He’d want to know that you’re feeling that way so that he can reassure you and tell you just how wrong you are. Honesty is the place to start. If he understands where you’re coming from, that will help both of you so much more.

Then you can throw him down, get on top, and focus on nothing else but fucking the living hell out of him. Do it exactly the way you want to do it and the way I know you’ve been thinking about doing. It’s the first step to regaining your confidence and proving to yourself that you know what you want. It’s not about him – it’s about you. If you are confident and open and eager, you will blow his mind.

It’s not about the ‘tricks’ or this move over that move, it’s about how passionate you are with each other, your feelings for each other, and the connection you share. That’s what sets you apart from any other girl he’s been with. When you are YOU, when you let go of your inhibitions and are completely yourself with him, that alone will put you in your own category and there will never be any comparison.

I haven’t had sex in ages and I’m really missing the feeling of playing around and having sex, but I never see my boyfriend because he and I live a thousand miles away from each other. I nearly had sex with one of my friends earlier today because I was feeling so horny but I stopped myself, I don’t know what to do :(

Long distance relationships suck. That’s just the basic truth. There’s nothing fun about them. Unfortunately, sometimes that’s what we have to go through when we really care about someone.

First, you need to talk to your boyfriend about what you’re going through. I guarantee he’s feeling the same. You both want to stay faithful, but yes, you still have sexual needs. Is monogamy absolutely what you want? Do you want to give each other a “pass”? Would you be interested in being “monogamish”?  It’s a discussion to have. And if you choose to go that route, set clear rules and parameters for you both.

If monogamy is your choice, then you have to step it up. Skype sex, phone sex, naughty texts, getting as much intimate one-on-one time during visits, etc. Make those moments count so that when you feel yourself getting antsy, you won’t look for the nearest body to help you out. Instead, you’ll want to go home, call him up, and let him help you take care of yourself.

Also, invest in a very, very good vibrator. Hell, get several of them. Couldn’t hurt! You want to be able to do what you need to do on your end to make sure you’re not totally depriving yourself of sexual gratification. That’s just not helping anyone!

Try to keep yourself busy with friends, family and loved ones. Keep an active social life to take your mind off being away from your boyfriend and the lack of sex. And, if this is really what you want, STAY AWAY FROM PEOPLE YOU DON’T TRUST YOURSELF AROUND. Otherwise, you know exactly the kind of temptation you’re putting in front of you and you know there’s a reason why you’re doing it… Why put yourself in those situations when you want to be faithful to your guy? Questions to ask yourself…

Join a club. Go to the gym. Take spin classes. I don’t know! Anything to keep you active and busy.

The real question here is, did you reach that point with your friend just because you were horny or because there’s something else going on? Do you feel like you’re drifting apart from your boyfriend? Are you lonely? Because situations like that are not about the lack of sex. Going through long dry spells are manageable (they’re not fun, but they are manageable). So when “almost” mistakes like that occur, it’s about something much more than being horny. Maybe you’re rethinking the commitment you made? It’s okay if you are. You’re allowed to decide that this relationship isn’t working for you anymore. That’s life. So don’t guilt trip yourself about it if that’s the case.

Think it over. Talk to your boyfriend. Make some changes in your relationship that will help prevent something like that near-miss from happening again. Long distance is rough and it means making a lot of sacrifices. Sometimes the sacrifice is more than worth it. Sometimes it’s not. What is it for you?

hi, i’ve been going out with my man for two years and i’m still a virgin. and he respects that. i’ve never masturbated. case is, these past two months, he’s been opening up a whole new world literally. i gave my first blowjob. it wasn’t as bad as it seemed. and he tried to go down on me but i just wasn’t feeling anything. maybe i was too nervous? and a couple nights ago, we tried to have sex. but it just hurt. ALOT. so i told him to stop, and we didn’t. any tips, recommendations?! PLEASE!

One, please try masturbating. Masturbating is a big part of a healthy sex life. It’s the best way to learn about your body and what you like. You need to know what makes you feel good, before he can try to make you feel good.You can’t go into sex expecting your partner to know everything and be able to give you the maximum amount of pleasure possible – it just doesn’t work like that. So touch yourself, play with yourself, see what happens! It’ll make your first time better, trust me.

Yes, you were probably too nervous when he went down on you. Try, try, try again! Practice makes perfect. (Rhythm and circles are your life.) Help him out, lead him in the right directions. COMMUNICATE. But in order for him to please you, you have to know what you need. That’s where masturbating comes in! You’ll learn a great deal more about yourself that would take 10x longer to learn with a partner. You’ll figure out that small things things like breathing deeply and focusing will allow the pleasure to start building. It doesn’t just happen for women the way it happens for men. We have to focus, they don’t have to focus like we do. Of course there are exceptions to this, but on average, they don’t have to put much effort into getting a hard on or shooting their load (compared to women).

As for your first blow job, congrats! Put a trophy on the shelf 😉 You’ve been together for 2 years now, so exploring this new aspect of your relationship is new and exciting! Have fun with it and each other.

Before even thinking about sex, foreplay is a MUST so you should focus on trying to master that before attempting sex (again). That means blow jobs, hand jobs. have him finger you (GENTLY), have him go down on you, etc. All this foreplay will actually help you so much when it comes to intercourse.

The more you play with each other and find out those little spots and kinks that really turn you on…the better your sex life will be! You need to wade into the pool instead of just plunging in all at once. Take it slow, step by step. You don’t need to jump from first blow job to full on intercourse!

The next time you two try again, try to have an orgasm first. So…lots and lots and lots of foreplay. I really can’t stress that enough. You need to be soaking wet and fully aroused before even attempting anything. This will help minimize the amount of discomfort you experience during your first few times.
Boys, take note please, foreplay is essential to a woman’s pleasure. I know it’s sometimes agonizing for you because you just wanna skip right to it because you’re ready and eager and dying for her, but this is what your partner needs for it to be just as enjoyable! Of course, there’s exceptions for quickies, but do not ignore the value of foreplay, please!
If you orgasm first (whether through him fingering you or going down on you), your body will relax, be fully aroused, and well prepared for him to be inside of you. Read this post for more about the importance of foreplay and how to make your first time as pleasant as possible.
Feeling a small discomfort your first couple of times is normal. If you’re not masturbating or even having him finger you, then you’ll be much tighter and you will likely experience more discomfort than you need to. It should not be terrible, excruciating pain though!
Foreplay, turned on, soaking wet, add lube, and then tell him to go as slow as physically possible and to wait for your go ahead when you feel your body adjust to the intrusion and you’re ready to go for it.
The first time does not have to be the usual missionary position. Try side by side. That position allows for shallow thrusts and you can show him how you want your clit to be touched, guide his hand there! He can alternate between rubbing your clit and playing with your breasts. It’s win/win. If that doesn’t work for you then try other positions until you find one that feels good for both of you!
Take it slow, explore each other, masturbate, be safe, and enjoy yourself. 🙂

I’m a 19 year old girl and I have a boyfriend who I love yet all I can think about when I get horny are other girls. I watch porn and it’s always lesbian porn. I’ve been with 1 girl before (but we didn’t do too much) and it was amazing. I can’t help but have this feeling that I want to be with a girl sexually again. It really turns me on. He knows how I feel and said if I slept with a girl he wouldn’t be mad but there are no girls I know who would do that with me…what should I do?

First off, are you sexually attracted to your boyfriend? I know you said you love him, but that doesn’t mean you’re IN love with him. And if you are attracted to him, are you MORE attracted to girls?

It sounds like you really like your boyfriend, but the fact that you want to sleep with someone else really shows that this relationship may not be the right one for you. It’s the same thing as you wanting to sleep with another guy. It’s still having sex with another PERSON. Would he be okay with you having sex with another guy? I’m going to guess no. He wants monogamy, but in his mind, it doesn’t apply to same-sex, because he thinks another girl can’t compete with him. WRONG. Sleeping with a girl is just like sleeping with a guy, feelings are involved! It’s having sex with someone that is not your significant other – guy or girl makes no difference.

I can’t tell you what to do or what your feelings are for your boyfriend. All I can do is tell you what I would tell any of my friends – if you’re thinking about other people and you want to sleep with other people, then the person you’re in a relationship with might not be the one for you and it might be time to end it.

This isn’t a case of a long distance relationship or long term relationship that needs spicing up (special circumstances) – this is simply you not getting the sexual gratification you need and you’re seriously considering finding it elsewhere. Why be in a relationship at all if you want to fuck someone else? If you’re thinking about other people when you’re with your boyfriend? What’s the point?

If you want to be with a girl, I think you should give yourself the chance. But I wouldn’t advise doing it while you’re in a committed relationship. If you want to explore something different, something that is REALLY calling to you, then you owe it to yourself to do that, just don’t string your boyfriend along with it. It’s not fair to him – even if he thinks it’s okay because I’m pretty sure you know how much it’s NOT okay… Your emotions are already invested in this. Is cheating for you really defined by whether it’s with a man or a woman? Sex is sex.

You’ll eventually find another girl that you want to be with or experiment with. They’ll come along somehow, somewhere, but you have a better chance of finding that when you are not in a relationship.

You’re young! This time of your life is all about exploring new things and discovering yourself. Give yourself the to opportunity to do that. Now is not the time to play it safe. This is your life! Don’t you want to see what’s out there?

so ive been going out with my girlfriend for about 3 months and never have trouble getting hard whenever were just fooling around but anytime i think were going to have sex (when i bring a condom) i cant get it up and get really frustrated and upset. the only time we’ve been able to do it is when she surprised me with a condom. any advice? this is really confusing and frustrating and just destroying my sex drive

I hate it when people say this, but in your case, it seems to be the exact problem… It’s all in your head.

You seem to be getting really anxious or nervous about having sex, which is why when you know it’s going to happen and you prepare for it, you essentially psych yourself out. You bringing the condom is also you knowing that you’re going to have sex and stressing out about it. Stress and anxiety are some of the most common factors involved in not being able to induce or maintain an erection.

Am I wrong to assume that when you don’t start getting hard at first, you get even more frustrated and stressed out? Well, that’s exactly what’s causing it! It’s a vicious cycle. You’re stressed out and anxious about sex which makes it harder for your body to relax and react in a natural way and when it doesn’t happen you get even more worked up which virtually ruins your chances of getting it up at all!

The fact that you have no problem when she surprises you, or when you’re fooling around, eliminates any physical problems that might have been a possibility. You are physically capable, it’s your mental state that’s causing it.

You have to talk to your girlfriend about how you’re feeling, whatever stress may be on your mind, let her know that you’re frustrated about this. She would want you to be able to talk to her about this! It makes things less awkward when you’re open and honest about what’s going on. Never let something like this be the pink elephant in the room!

Since it seems to be a detriment for you to “prepare” for sex (it gives you too much time to think about it) ask your girlfriend if she wouldn’t mind being the condom carrier for a while. 😉

It shouldn’t always be on her to bring protection, of course, but since it’s causing you to be more worried about sex (and then leading to no sex), ask her to help you by taking that responsibility off the table for a while.

You need to think about why you’re stressed about this. Are you worried about your performance? Worried about pleasing her? Worried about getting her pregnant? All of the above? None of the above? You have to try to pinpoint the source so that it can be resolved!

In the meantime, if your girlfriend makes sure you’re always prepared for sex, then you don’t have time to psych yourself out about it. Don’t make plans for sex. Let it happen when it happens so it’s always a surprise of some kind. (ALWAYS USE PROTECTION! That’s why I said ask your girlfriend to bring condoms. Just because you’re not planning to have sex at a specific time doesn’t mean you can’t always be prepared for it.)

After a few times of this happening without incident, you should eventually be able to fall into a good routine and feel more confident about your sex life. Then it won’t matter who brings the condoms – you’ll be ready to go and feeling good about it no matter what!

Another good thing to try is that if you’re not getting hard when you’re fooling around: take the pressure off of you (and your dick) by focusing on her and eat her out, finger her, just focus on getting her off by other means. Don’t let yourself get upset and frustrated – it’ll only make things worse. So when you know its not happening right then, switch gears, and turn it onto her without thinking too much about it. Relax and make a clear decision to take care of your girlfriend, forgetting about what’s going on with you. By focusing on something other than your lack of erection and putting all your energy into making her feel good and seeing how she reacts, it might actually help you calm down mentally and allow your body to physically get excited the way it wants to!

I’ve been dating this guy for almost a year now and we said from the beginning we would take our time and work up to things like kissing, making out, sex, etc. Problem is, we had sex a few times and I stopped it. IT FEELS AWKWARD. Almost like “I made a mistake” awkward… and I was wondering, can LACK OF SEXUAL ATTRACTION really be a good reason to loose feelings for someone in a relationship? He’s sweet and caring but I dunno if dating feels right… Am I being SHALLOW? INCONSIDERATE?

NO.

Lack of sexual attraction is one of the biggest and most simple reasons to break up with someone. You have every right to end it because the feelings just aren’t there. It happens!

It’s OKAY.

You’re not obligated to date him just because he’s a nice guy. Sometimes the chemistry just isn’t there. That doesn’t make you a bad person! Lack of sexual chemistry is ABSOLUTELY a reason to break up with someone. It’s obviously not the only reason why you date a person, but it’s a huge part of it, and without it, your relationship is actually called “being friends”.

Don’t beat yourself up about it! You’re not to blame nor is he. You’re just not that into him. That’s all. That’s life. Try to make a clean break and move on. It doesn’t do either of you any good to force something like chemistry which is something that you simply either have or you don’t have. You can’t MAKE chemistry happen.

You’re not being shallow or inconsiderate. You’re being honest. Love doesn’t work the way we want it to work. We don’t get to make the rules. We don’t get to dictate the terms. Love does its own thing and we go along with it.