Tag: relationships

Hi, my gf and I have been together for about a year (LDR) but the times we have been together and had sex we sometimes have issues b/c I can always make her come but it takes me much longer and her hand gets tired before i do. we have fought badly over this b/c i suggest other positions but its like she just gives up so I feel like she doesn’t care to try to please me as much as I please her, but she says she does try. she doesnt like oral & dildos are expensive. help?

Maybe you’re right, that she doesn’t care enough about your needs like you care about hers. If that’s the case, then you guys don’t stand a chance and you should get out now.

Maybe you’re wrong and she actually really does care a great deal but her inability to get you to orgasm is making her feel inadequate. So much so that she’s starting to feel insecure about all of it and it comes across as her not wanting to try harder or do different things. Instead, she doesn’t want to try more because that only means failing even more, and then she feels like she’s letting you down – that she’s not good enough for you – that she’s not enough for you.

I don’t know what the truth is.

So my advice? 1) She’s gonna have to learn to figure out how to get onboard with oral. I mean, really. It has to happen. She’ll get used to it the more she does it. At least she can start off with it and end with her fingers. That way it’s evened out and neither her jaw nor her hand will wear out as quickly. 2) You should save up money for that dildo or strap on. You want to orgasm, you gotta work for it. You need to figure out what the best thing is for you and the only way to do that is through experimentation.

Make sure she knows that it’s not her fault that it takes you a longer time – it’s different for everyone! Really sit down with her and explain (WITHOUT ARGUING) how bad it makes you feel when she stops and it makes you think that she doesn’t care enough to please you. Be as openly honest as you can, heartfelt, vulnerable, all of it. It’s the only way to really get through to a person.

Don’t accuse her of anything. Use “I statements”. I feel, I want, I wish, I like, I don’t like, etc. Nothing that comes across as “YOU DON’T LOVE ME ENOUGH TO MAKE ME CUM”. For example: “it makes me feel like you don’t care about me and that hurts so much” vs. “you don’t care about what I need, I care more about you than you do about me!”

Big difference, right?

After that conversation, try those different positions you want to try. Get her excited about them by being excited to try them on her as well! It seems like you might be encroaching on the rut of “sex as a chore”. So break out of it. Try some new stuff. Don’t put all the focus on the orgasm, just enjoy whatever it is you do feel. Try doing lots of foreplay, have fun, and neither of you orgasm! It’ll take the pressure off, and in the process, actually help you get closer to your goal.

If an orgasm is the only thing you care about, then you’re not doing it right.

Im dating this girl at the moment but I’ve lost feelings however she hasn’t… I feel like if i break it off i will break her heart terribly. I tried hinting im not into her anymore but she says i still love u and will always forever…

Suck it up and break it off. It’s never pleasant. It’s never easy. It’s ALWAYS messy. One or both people will always get hurt. That’s why break ups suck.

But it’ll suck even more if you wait and lead her on. Would YOU want someone to stay in a relationship with you if they weren’t into it anymore? Think about role reversal. What would you want if the roles were reversed?

Rip off the band aid.

My boyfriend doesn’t have much sexual experience… but I do. How can I direct him without being offensive?

The trick is to find a balance between ENCOURAGING and being CONDESCENDING (or overbearing).

You don’t want to tell him: “do this”/”don’t do that”/”go here”/”not there”.

Instead, try for subtle guidance. Place his hands where you want them to be, when he hits the right spot or gets a good rhythm – hold him there and encourage him to keep going. Moan, gasp, use any verbal or non verbal cues to clearly encourage him and show him what gets you going.

If there’s things you want to do and he doesn’t have the slightest clue where to start or even know that you want it, make it a sexy suggestion. Whisper in his ear what you want him to do to you (or you want to do to him) while you’re making out or even use it as a seductive way to get things started! Mention it while sexting or during phone sex. He won’t resent you for being “forward” and eager to have sex with him – in fact, he’ll love it (who wouldn’t?) – but that’s what you have to make sure is always the key idea/feeling coming across. Eagerness, sexual desire, attraction, craving, need, etc.

What I mean is, make sure you put an emphasis on making him feel the eagerness and desire that you have to fuck him, instead of making it feel like you’re giving him a step by step “how to” guide because he’s falling short of your expectations. Basically, it’s about positive reinforcement, not negative reinforcement. Always talk about the good, avoid the bad (unless the bad is so bad that you really need to tell him not to do something). He’ll take cues from the good and eventually learn what not to do from what you don’t mention or react well to.

Take the lead for now. Be the “top” to show him what you want and what makes you tick. As you guys start to become more familiar with each other and he grows more comfortable, then you can step back and let him take the reins sometimes so it’s a more even exchange. He won’t begrudge you for being assertive during sex (especially if he’s inexperienced). He’s just excited to be having sex and learning about this whole new world. 😉 The point is not to make him feel inadequate about it, which is where the positive reinforcement comes in. Jump on top of him, show him what you want, fuck him the way you want to fuck. You’re not telling him “this is how you do it” you’re telling him “this is what I like”. See the difference?

Definitely be vocal and assertive about you want and make sure it happens, but the effectiveness is all in the delivery. Have fun!

I have an on nd off relationship w/a guy for 3years now nd he was my first kiss and etc. nd farthest we went was him just grabbing my ass inside my pants nd I’m virgin he isn’t but then there is this girl I been talkin to sexually but idk who to pick

Why do you have to pick? You’re not in a relationship with either of them. Don’t make a commitment until you’re sure of who you want to be with. Be honest with both of them and do not mislead them into thinking they’re the only person you’re seeing. Spend more time with them and see who comes out better.

It’s not about sex at this point, it’s about who you actually enjoy spending time with.

Every time I’m in a relationship with a guy or hooking up with guys, I always think about having sex with girls. Every time I’m in a relationship with a girl or hooking up with girls I always think about having sex with guys. I’m so confused. I enjoy sex no matter what but I’m just so confused as to why it seems as if I’m never fully satisfied… Help please!!

Does it affect your relationships that you think about sex with the other gender? To the point where you don’t want to be with that person anymore? Or you feel guilty like you’re cheating on them?

I don’t think it’s necessarily a BAD thing that you have a crossover. We all have fantasies. Besides, you enjoy sex with both genders. So maybe it’s a masculine energy that comes out when you’re having sex with guys and a feminine energy that comes out with girls. You seem to be switching roles in terms of domination or really just “who’s on top”. It simply manifests in those kinds of sexual thoughts. Here’s the hard question: Do you just THINK about having sex with a guy when you’re with a girl or do you WANT to have sex with another guy?

You say you’re enjoying it, so what’s the problem? Maybe it’s just a turn on for you to think about guys when you’re with a girl and vice versa? The only time a problem comes in is if you actually WANT to have sex with someone other than the person you’re with. Thinking/fantasizing is one thing, actually wanting to follow through with it is another. Also, are you thinking about specific people in your life when you do it? Ie. Do you think about your ex girlfriend when you’re with your current boyfriend? That would be problematic.

A vague idea of men/women or celebrities or the girl you saw in the coffee shop yesterday is very different than fantasizing about sex with people you’re close to or were close to. It turns into an emotional connect and not a physical connect.

Do you truly feel like you’re not fully satisfied or are you assuming that there must be something wrong because you think this way?

hi, my bf and I have been together for about 3 years now, and when we first had sex it was outdoors. we kept doing things in public places coz it was a turn on for both of us and now its not for me but hes still into it. my libido has dropped a lot as well and I feel like our sex life has died because of me even though we regularly give oral to each other, and he fingers me and stuff… is there any way of increasing sex drive again? :/

First, it’s not unusual to experience this. It’s a common factor with women because much more goes into our sex drive than just hormones. For men, it’s more common to just have a “plumbing issue”, but for women, it’s more complicated. Decreased libido comes down to two things: external factors or a decline/conflict in the relationship.

By external factors, I mean are you taking any new medication, do you have any health issues going on, are you sleeping enough, are you experiencing more stress than usual, are you anxious/depressed, etc.

If you’re not experiencing the “external factors” then it might be time to look at your relationship. Are you getting bored? Are you guys still on the same page as you were a year ago or two years ago? After 3 years you’ve reached the point where you have to decide is this going to be a lifer or is it starting to fizzle out?

You say you’re still going outside often to have sex, but it’s not doing anything for you. Well, change that! Do something different. Be more spontaneous. Try different positions (get a book on sex positions and see which ones interest you then TRY them – try them all! lol). Use toys. Roleplay. Have sex on the washing machine during the spin cycle! lol. You get where I’m going with this.

You need to think about what sexually excites you and go for it. Pushing through the boredom and the sexual rut you’re in is the only way to break out of it and start something new that will get your sex drive going again. You know what to expect now. It’s the same thing each time. You’ve been with him for years, it happens. You do the same things over and over and it’s boring. How can you possibly get excited about that? So change it up!

If it’s not working, no matter how well rested you are, well adjusted you are, or how many different things you try…then perhaps you’ll have to consider a deeper reason going on that’s causing your lack of sexual interest. Maybe this is your body telling you what your mind isn’t ready to accept – that it isn’t working with him anymore. Not just sex, but all of it.

I’m a guy. I’ve been with my girlfriend for six months now and she’s coming over for the first time this weekend. I would really like to do more than just kissing. But how do I go about it? I’ve never done anything like that before…

Ask her. I’m assuming you guys are pretty young, so the best thing to do at your age is seriously just talk about it. Trying to “go for it” without knowing where she stands is probably going to lead to you being shot down and supreme awkwardness. Why put yourself (and her) through that? Don’t surprise her. This is new for you both so it’s something you need to talk about.

Ask her if she wants to try something more. Tell her you you want to finger her or go down on her. (If you’re worried you don’t know how to do something, check the sex advice tags because I give many ‘how to’ tips.) Focus this next step on something FOR her. Give before you even think about asking to receive – understand? Don’t ask her for a handjob, ask her if she would want you to do something for her.

If she’s ready for more, she’s likely to offer to return the favor. (Note: I’m not guaranteeing that she will, that’s up to her and what she’s ready for, I’m just suggesting that it’s a possibility.) If you show interest in HER sexual needs, it shows that you actually care about her, not just getting off. It’s a good way to get a girl excited about sexually pleasing you in return. The ice will be broken, curiosity abounds, etc. Just have fun with it and be safe.

If she’s not ready for more, then make your peace with that, and keep being best friends with your hand. 🙂

Hi, I’m sorry for this really weird question…Okay so I am a virgin, and I have a new boyfriend and he’s been like rubbing me (’cause I don’t want his fingers in my yet). It feels fantastic, and I get super wet, but he always asks me if I have cum yet, and I don’t know? Sometimes I just say yes because I think he is tired, or I say no because I want him to keep going. But how do I know if i came?

You’ll know. And don’t lie about orgasming – you’ll give him the wrong idea about what works for you and he’ll develop terrible habits and it’ll kill your sex life. Plus, honesty = best policy. Don’t let him pressure you to say you’ve orgasmed just cause he’s tired. If he’s tired, then okay, it’s not going to happen that time. Just enjoy the pleasure and work up to it. (You can also take turns with each other so it gives him a break and some pleasure then you can ask him to touch you again and keep going.) Just don’t lie to him to appease him!

You will know when you’ve had an orgasm. You haven’t had one yet.

Me and my girlfriend have been dating for quiet a while now and she’s a virgin I’m not, I’m a girl btw. So lately we’ve been going pretty far and i feel like she will soon be ready to have sex with me but the thing is that she’s really gentle, soft. She touches and kisses me so gently and I love it but I do want her to get rough sometimes but I don’t think she can.. Twice now she has pinned me to a wall and kissed me but its dif in bed. Advice please?:)

Once she becomes more comfortable with sex and you guys become more comfortable with each other, I guarantee you’ll get that rougher side. Rough sex ultimately comes from confidence and being secure with yourself. You feel like you know what you’re doing, you trust the person you’re with, you feel like you can expose more of yourself, that’s when it will happen.

If it doesn’t happen after you guys have had sex for a few months, then you can bring it up and just flat out ask her to take you hard! If you’re not comfortable asking for that, then you need to evaluate the level of trust and communication in your relationship and how to improve it.

Really, just give her time. She’s inexperienced! It’s all new to her! Once she feels better and more confident about what she’s doing, she’ll surprise you and probably literally knock you off your feet! 😉

Okay so I have been sexually active with my boyfriend for about a year now. He was my first so I have nothing to compare him to, but I really don’t feel like he’s doing anything wrong. The thing is, I can not reach an orgasm. The sex itself is fantastic but there is no release. No end result for me. We can for long enough that it actually starts to hurt but I have never had an orgasm, not vaginal nor clitoral. Is there any logical reason for this?

First, do you orgasm when you masturbate? If you don’t masturbate, you need to start. If you do orgasm when you masturbate, then obviously there’s things you need to work on in your sex life. If you don’t orgasm when you masturbate, then there’s things you need to work on with yourself before applying it to your sex life.

You said it yourself, you don’t have anything to compare it to, so how do you know that there aren’t things he could be doing/doing better? You’re not having an orgasm and it’s been a year. Not good! It’s unfortunately normal for women not to experience an orgasm during sex and that’s usually due to a lack of foreplay, understanding of the female body, and the woman’s ability to relax.

So my advice is to change it up. Take control or have him surprise you. Make it rougher, make it sweeter. Oral is your best friend. Have him go down on you until you’re right on the breaking point and then take it over the edge with penetration. Don’t hold back. It seems like that’s what happens the most. Women hold back and fight their orgasms instead of embracing them.

Encourage him to try different things, different positions, a different location, roleplay, use toys, etc. ANYTHING different from what you’re doing now. Because what is happening now, isn’t good enough. You can check the sex advice tags page for tips on positions and oral sex. Have him read it as well.