See, the problem with “faking it” though I get it (and I’ve done it) is that you mislead your partner into thinking something worked for you when it didn’t. It’s giving them false information and then later they think ‘well why isn’t this working? It worked when I did it last time!’
So “faking it” – while sometimes you just know it’s not going to happen and you don’t want to hurt their feelings and you just want to go to sleep – is only going to hurt your sex life. If you make them believe that something works for you, it’s only natural that they’ll continue to repeat it. When someone has trouble orgasming, a lot more exploration and experimenting needs to happen. You can’t just keep doing the same thing that never works.
It sucks that you’ve gotten to a point where you feel like you can’t be honest and sex is just an anxiety provoking chore that makes you feel like crap about yourself. Let’s change it!
You’re just gonna have to tell her. There’s no script. There’s no standard “right way” to do it. It’s gonna be awkward, and she will likely be upset with you, but wow oh wow you need to bite that bullet because it will GET BETTER from there. Nothing will change until you actually step up and change it for both of you.
Pick a moment that feels right to you, when it’s quiet, when neither of you are distracted by anything else, when it’s calm, and just come out with it. She’ll probably be hurt and upset that you lied/misled her because she’s the one who’s going to feel enormously embarrassed and maybe even guilty because she couldn’t tell the difference and she hasn’t been able to satisfy you. But the point of doing this is that you both get on the same page and you don’t end up resenting her! Also, so that sex can become something enjoyable and fun for you, not the mess that it is now. I guarantee you that this is not what she wants for you and she will feel HORRIBLE that this is what you go through when you’re having sex. I know you don’t want to hurt her, but this is to help you BOTH in the long run. So it’ll hurt but your relationship will grow stronger for it.
So you tell her that you love her (if you’re at that stage), that you love being with her, and that she’s amazing. You tell her that you’ve been afraid of letting her down by admitting that you never quite finish. Tell her you’ve never had an orgasm even when you masturbate so you have no idea what it feels like and you don’t know how to make it happen. (Maybe she can give you some tips on how she approaches it!) You tell her the truth, which is that you think it’s your fault that you can’t orgasm and you’re upset that this is happening (it’s not true though, it’s not your fault and it’s not her fault, it’s just something you have to work on TOGETHER to make it happen), you explain to her that you feel so guilty for lying – that’s why you don’t really initiate sex. Not because you don’t want her, but because you’re so worried about all of these other things going through your head.
Reaffirm that you DO want her and that you’re very attracted to her and that (name some things) feels really good and you love that and you love being close to her and you desperately want sex with her, but it’s been frustrating that you can’t get to the very end. You make it about you and your feelings and your worries and your anxiety – never ever say that she’s doing something wrong. (Unless it’s REALLY bad.)
It’s about positive reinforcement. If you make it out that she’s bad in bed, it doesn’t matter if that’s true or not, you’re going to kill any chance of a healthy sex life. The point is to improve your sex life by opening dialogue and talking about what works and what doesn’t. She needs to still feel like she’s desirable and not a total failure so be aware of that, but don’t overdo it because then it’ll be condescending. It’s a fine line to walk.
She might get defensive. She might get angry. She might even blame you!
(She shouldn’t, but if she does, try to stay calm and point out that it’s
hurtful to say that and you’re trying to fix this.) People say things they don’t
mean when it feels like they’re under attack. Make this peaceful. I’m just giving you some different scenarios because people react differently to
“criticism”.
Explain to her that you really do want to have sex, you just want to try new things. I would plan out some ideas in advance. She might ask you “well, what DO you want? What am I supposed to do? I can’t read your mind!”. So instead of having nothing to say, pull out some fantasies. Suggest some toys. Suggest role play. Suggest a different position. Whatever appeals to you. Read about it, google it, read through the tags here, etc. You won’t have an exact answer for her, but this way you have a “plan” and you don’t run into the hopeless feeling of ‘I can’t orgasm and I’ll never orgasm and it’s all pointless and we should just never have sex again!’
Instead, the feeling should be ‘okay so it hasn’t happened yet but it’s going to and this is what I need us to try going forward and we’ll see what happens!’
Whether you feel it or not, you have to come at this from a positive point of view. Nothing’s going to change if you’re just going to be negative and down on yourself. You want change! You want her! You want to feel all the things you should get to feel when you have sex! This is all going to happen and you want it to be with her!
When you guys get past the awkward stage of acceptance and you start trying out new things, new toys, and different positions (you can check the tags for some ideas), keep in mind that it should be FUN. Tell her you want FUN and to keep it light. Who cares if you don’t finish right now? Explain to her that you just want to fool around and if you don’t orgasm, that’s okay, just see if you can keep pushing yourself to get closer to it. The point is that you won’t lie to her about orgasming anymore. You’re going to be honest from here on out!
Make an agreement where if you don’t orgasm and you’re tired, she won’t try to keep going and you don’t want her to feel pressured to make it happen. Maybe you should agree that she won’t ask you whether you’ve orgasmed or not, just that you’ll stop her when you’re ready to stop. When things feel good and it’s working, you’ll tell her and encourage it. If you orgasm, obviously you’ll let her know! Otherwise, no pressure on it. Stop when you want to stop. Kiss her and cuddle. Or turn it around and start going at her! 🙂
If you relax and open yourself to new things, you’ll find out what makes your legs shake and your toes curl. Yes, orgasms are important, but if you make it the be all, end all, it puts too much pressure on what you’re doing. Relax. Deep breaths. Explore. Enjoy whatever pleasure you do get. The orgasm will happen eventually the more you experiment, so focus on the journey, not the destination. 🙂
Sumptuous Daydreams 