Tag: relationships

Well, first, I just want to say that the “settling for you” joke isn’t a joke. That’s a messed up thing to say. I can see it being a one time offhand joke, but for it to be a consistent thing over a year? Wth is wrong with them? It’s not funny, it’s mean. I would tell your friends, “hey, you know, it was funny the first time, but now you’re just being rude. Do you have something you want to say to me?” (Maybe not that confrontational, that’s just how I work, lol, but definitely that direct.)

Normally I would say just talk to your wife about it, but it seems like you tried and she’s skirting the issue. Maybe she’s embarrassed or uncomfortable talking about it. I don’t know. My question is, are YOU satisfied with your sex life? How do YOU feel about it? Are YOU getting everything you need? Are you guys in kind of a rut? Because that’s normal and happens all the time.

So why not try something new? Suggest it to her or maybe surprise her with it (I’m sure you know by now if she’s the kind of person who gets a thrill in being surprised or if she likes having a discussion about new things ahead of time). Try things you haven’t done before. Are there any fantasies you’d like to try out? Sex outside? New toys? Role play? Maybe a little sensory deprivation (blindfold and ice cubes?). Google for some ideas or scroll through my sex advice tags. Honestly, it could be something as small as changing it from having sex in your bed to having sex on the kitchen counter or in the shower. Is she usually on top or vice versa? Then switch it up. You’d be surprised how much of a difference even those little changes make.

If you’re still not feeling confident after you try new things or if she’s resistant to trying something new (maybe cause she likes the way it is), then you’ve gotta have that conversation with her again. Be really blunt and right to the point: “I feel like you don’t get as much pleasure from our sex life as I do. I feel like we’re stuck. Can I do something different? This has been really bothering me for a while and I need us to be able to talk about it. If that’s not the issue then what is? Because I feel like something’s off and I want to change that.”

If you approach it in a really calm, strong, confident way, with openness and honesty, then hopefully she’ll respond in kind. Hopefully it will spark the discussion you guys need. Try not to complain or whine.
Use “I feel” statements and be very careful not to accuse her of
anything. There’s a big difference between “I feel like I’m not
satisfying you and it kills me to feel that way” and “You’re not
satisfied with our sex life, why won’t you admit it?”

You want to make her feel safe to voice her feelings. If there is something going on, probably the only way she’ll admit it is if she doesn’t think it’s going to break your heart or crush you. If you show her maturity and strength, that you won’t have a breakdown if she admits something could be better, then maybe you’ll get the conversation/answers you need.

There is another side to this! It’s possible that she’s more than satisfied with your sex life, perfectly content and happy to the point where she’s confident enough to joke about it with your friends! The insecurity you’re feeling still has to be addressed. If she insists that she’s happy with things as they are then try to accept what she’s saying and look inward to find out why you’re feeling the way you do. If it’s not true and she’s totally into you sexually, just as much as ever, then why does her joking about it affect you? It’s clear that you’re feeling insecure/inadequate about something, somewhere in your relationship so you gotta find the root of the issue. Is it even about sex at all?

Or is it something she says or does during sex? You can point it out, but NOT DURING. Just soon after. Such as, did she not orgasm? Did she seem disconnected? Bored? Talk to her about it afterwards. “Hey, I felt something off before, like we weren’t connecting fully. When (fill in the blank) happens, it makes me feel like you just weren’t into it. Am I reading that right or am I totally off base? Please help me understand what’s going on when you (fill in the blank).”

Keep working at it. Approach with confidence and sincere vulnerability. Don’t whine, needle, beg, or harp on the matter. If she refuses to discuss it, then leave it alone, give it some time, and try again another time in a different way. If she tells you she’s happy, you’re gonna have to find a way to accept that and look for other possible reasons that are leading to you feel insecure in this area. You are both rational, consenting, married adults. You guys chose each other for a reason. Remember that and try your best. That’s all anyone can ask.

Personally, I’m pretty straightforward. I would call her out on it in
the moment when she says something condescending. “Hey, that was pretty
condescending”, “okay, that was mean, why would you say that?”, or
“whoa, that was kinda rude, what’s up with that?”.

You just
gotta point it out to people in the moment and come from a calm
perspective of “where is this coming from?” If you get angry or heated
or super emotional, it usually makes people want to put up a wall or run
away from the conversation. So if you stay calm and you ask her why
she’s speaking to you that way, saying rude things, it’ll open up a
dialogue.

She’ll either not realize that’s how she’s coming
across and apologize or she’ll flat out deny it (maybe even turn it on
you and say you’re being too sensitive). Whatever her excuse, just be
honest and tell her that it’s hurtful.

The way she handles it
after you tell her that it’s hurtful will give you your answer. If she
continues to behave that way, deny that she’s doing anything wrong, and
even blame you, then this is not a person you want in your life. You
walk away from it knowing that you tried and she had a chance to turn it
around.

I hope it ends up working out better than that. Maybe
she’ll hear you, apologize, and make conscious decisions to change her
attitude. That would be great and I hope it happens. If it doesn’t,
please be kind to yourself and know that you don’t ever deserve to be
treated that way, no matter what. As much as it might hurt to walk away,
it’ll ultimately be the best gift you could give yourself.

I know this is super obvious, but you just have to talk to her. She’s not going to swear off sex forever. Maybe something happened during the first time that has her worried or feeling tentative about it. Maybe she felt like it was overwhelming? Maybe she didn’t enjoy herself as much as she wanted to…

It could be any number of things. Don’t jump to drastic conclusions. If you really do care about her and you want this to work out, give it time and that means as long as it takes. Of course you don’t want to be celibate, but you have to be willing to compromise here an give her time. There’s something holding her back and you have to find out what that is.

I would just dive into it. Tell her how much you want her and how beautiful and sexy and amazing she is. How much it’s killing you to not be able to touch her.
Ask her exactly why she wants to take it slower.

See what she says. If she still can’t really find the words, then ask her if there was something that happened that first (and only) time. Did you make a mistake? Was it too fast?
Did it feel overwhelming or out of control?

Was it not good for her?

(Follow that up immediately with reassurance that it’s okay if she didn’t because it’s a work in progress and you want to do whatever you can to learn about her and make it the best experience possible.) Be completely honest and humble.

Express how much you want sex to be good for her, for it to be something you guys share, and if something got messed up the first time, wires crossed, whatever it is, let her know that she can tell you about it and you’ll understand. You’ll do whatever she needs. Don’t accuse her of anything, just entreat her to talk to you about it and show that you won’t judge or get defensive or fly off the handle if she says something you might not like. (Not only do you show that, but you also need to DO it.)

Show her that you care about her, explain that you’ll go at her pace no matter what but you just need to understand more about what’s happening inside that head of hers. Be open, listen, and be a safe place for her. You both have to establish a base of trust and honesty with each other. Everything else will fall into place after that.

He always comes back to me. Apart of me is starting to think could the
people we are now be a better fit then in the past? We have grown. Yet I
still think what he’s doing is really bad and I’m just as bad for
speaking to him given the circumstances. Very confused by it all.

–

No, I don’t think he has regrets. I think he just sided with the girl that’s currently sleeping with him. Now maybe he’s not as into her anymore and wants something different, so he’s falling back on you. Do you really want to be someone’s fallback plan? Ugh. No. Fuck that! You’re not a runner-up or someone to fill in when he’s bored.

You guys sound like you’re in a bad rut. A cycle of unhealthy behavior where neither of you is really willing to let go completely. No, it’s not because you belong together, it’s because you’re each others safety nets. It’s comfortable. It’s familiar. You know what you’re getting with him.

That doesn’t mean it’s right.

Ultimately, you’re going to decide whatever you want, but you sound like you’re letting your own loneliness get in the way of your good judgment. He’s in your comfort zone and it’s easy to want to go back to that when you feel like you don’t have anything better out there.

But there are better things out there. Better people. People who will excite you and open new doors for you and put you above the rest. You’ll fall in love with someone else and eventually this ex isn’t going to have anymore confusing ties to you – he’ll just be someone from your past, a significant part of your past, but still your past. There will be more clarity with time and distance.

I know you feel like “maybe” there’s a chance, maybe he’s changed, maybe it’ll be better this time, but I’m telling you, especially from how you’re talking about it, it will not work. You’re both feeling a little lonely and nostalgic. That’s the worst combination to try to start up something – regardless of who it is. I promise you that.

Use your judgment wisely. It ended for a reason, don’t go back and rehash it all. You deserve much, much better.

Give people enough time alone and they start to revisit the past, think about the good things, forget the bad. It’s a selective memory process. You get lonely, you start thinking about the good things in your past relationships, and suddenly you wonder why it ever ended.

It never works out though. Because it’s been so long that you’ve forgotten the stuff that went wrong and the good things aren’t there anymore either because the relationship no longer exists. People get confused and it’s an easy thing that happens when you don’t have your focus being pulled towards the present/future.

I guess my point is, he’s just reminiscing and if you were the one to end it, it likely feels like something unfinished to him. A loose end. A what-if? It’ll take time, more than a year, more than three years, or even until he really, truly falls for someone else before that “unfinished” feeling starts to fade for him.

But make no mistake, he’s not doing this because he’s thinking of you as you are now. He’s remembering the good things and without someone there to distract him (ie. his gf and you should feel sorry for the girl because how would you feel if the situation was reversed ? It’s an awful thing to do to someone), he’s fantasizing about something that’s now only partially real and partially make believe.

Don’t let yourself get sucked back into the past. There’s no point. All you’ll do is go in circles until you end right back up where you were last time and you guys broke up. It won’t even be as good the second time around, it’ll be a mess of old wounds and mixed emotions. Cut him off. Go cold turkey. Don’t talk to him anymore. It’s not worth the confusion.

You don’t want to be part of him hurting someone else and you especially don’t want to repeat a past relationship that ended for a good reason – even if it seems a little fuzzy now. Protect yourself and let him go.

I think waiting until you’re in a serious relationship puts a lot of pressure on sex that it doesn’t need. It’s a personal choice and if it means that much to you, then of course! Wait. But sex is not the be all/end all form of intimacy so it doesn’t cheapen a serious relationship if you’ve had sex with someone other than them before.

That being said, the guy you’re spending time with sounds like a selfish douche. Don’t waste any more time on him than you already have. If he was into you and shared your feelings, he would be 100% committed and with you. But he’s not. Guys are simple when it comes to this. If they care about you, they will be with you. If they just wanna fuck around, you will hear every excuse in the book as to why they want to keep things “just casual”.

If he cared, he would be in a relationship with you right this very second. But he’s “just not that into you”. I know that sucks and it hurts to hear and you don’t want to believe it, but it’s true. I think you know that deep down. So listen to your instincts, drop him, and move on. Find someone better. You don’t want to be with someone where you are more invested in the relationship than they are. You are setting yourself up to be hurt. Have some respect for yourself and love yourself. You deserve so much more and there is someone out there that is going to be 10000x better and they will make you wonder why you ever wasted your time with this guy.

But you have to be open to moving on, open to meeting someone new. Open and free. Give yourself that. If you want to hook up with some hot guy you meet one night, then do it! If you want to wait until you’re in an exclusive relationship, then wait! But whatever your choice is, it’s not going to be with this current guy. He’s not right for you, you deserve better. Stop hanging out with him and try meeting new people.

He’ll try to get you back (because nothing teases people more than the unattainable), but it’s just a sick game. He doesn’t really want you. There is no grey here. Just black and white – he doesn’t want what you want – so as painful as it is – cut your losses and save your heart for someone who deserves it.