Tag: relationship advice

I grew up in unstable family with lots of arguments and sometimes violence. Things are better now but I am attuned to it. One of my closest friends got engaged recently. She grew up in a loving family but her father recently passed away so I was really happy for her that she found someone to share her life with. Untill I met the guy. He is erratic and they have no balance, not good for her, idek why they got together even. He has violent tantrums when he is upset about something and that’s often

They argue a lot and say that’s normal and it happens all the time. I
don’t like it, I can’t stand it because I know from experience that
that’s how it all starts. He threw a bag in the ground in his fury. Next
time it won’t be a bag, it would be her. I couldn’t stand to be silent
so I told her that he could become dangerous with time and that he is
not the best choice for her. She told me: When you find the one you
love, you will understand me. I was stunned but told her that if you
really love
someone, you won’t pull that crap on them. She agreed but they are still
planning a wedding next year and I will be a bridesmaid. What do I do
in this case? Whatever I thought of I tried it. I even talked to the guy
and explained they need to have a balance if they want this to work
out. Not sure it our talk got to him. This is complicated and I totally
don’t want my friend to get hurt in the end of all this fiasco. I want
to open her eyes but idk how? I would be grateful for any suggestions.

Let me preface this with the fact that I’m not a therapist or a licensed counselor. So I can only offer my non-professional opinion based on my own personal experiences and here it is: you can’t convince her.

She will have to find whatever rock bottom there is and experience the final straw of abuse before she opens her eyes to what situation she’s in and how unhappy she actually is. Don’t support their relationship, but if you want to be there for your friend, support her. If you can do it without sacrificing your own mental health and well being, support your friend. Stay with her. She sounds like she’s grieving and has wound up in a really unhealthy codependent relationship where she’s trying to fill that void of loss. You can be so wrapped up in these things that it takes far too long to come out, but she has to come to this realization on her own and you can’t make it happen any faster.

Hopefully it will happen eventually and hopefully it will be sooner rather than later. You say they’ll be married next year? Well, a lot can happen in a year. Don’t criticize the relationship constantly. Let her come to you with her concerns without fear of judgment. Be that solid rock of security that she needs. It takes so much strength to hold back your opinion and your desperate need to shake some damn sense into her. You want to scream at her until you’re blue in the face about how she deserves so much better, how awful he’s treating her, how she deserves real happiness, but none of it will work. You have to be calm and steady. Listen to her, be a confidant, offer your honest opinion when she ASKS for it. Don’t give unsolicited advice or opinions. If she’s telling you about some new godawful argument they’re having or asshole thing he’s done, ask if you can offer her some honest feedback and try to be gentle but firm (it’s such a hard line to walk!). If she doesn’t want to hear it, then she won’t hear it. So try to ask and don’t force the issue if she’s not ready to hear it.

Being the best friend you can be is to continue to be there for her and while never condoning the abusive relationship she’s in, show her that you won’t leave her and you won’t lecture her and you won’t judge her (that’s big!). If things get worse, if things grow violent and physical, she needs to know that you’re not going to say “I told you so”. Otherwise she won’t come to you for help. She’ll hide it. She’ll feel ashamed. She’ll feel completely alone and her situation will grow so much worse that way. She needs all the unconditional love and support she can get. Be her friend. Love her. Hold your tongue as much as you can and let her lean on you. Let her find her way.

I was experimental with sex in relationships before the one I’m in, but my current boyfriend dislikes experimenting in bed, even though I’ve been slow and encouraging with him. I can enjoy most anything, if it makes my partner feel good, but he only likes missionary, or me on top (occasionally). I’ve had conversations with him, even tried to introduce new things, but he’s just not interested. I’d like to enjoy the ones that turn me on the most, but he is balking at all attempts. HELP!

If it’s not his thing, then it’s not his thing.

Some people are very specific and narrow in what they enjoy and that’s okay! Problem is: it’s not satisfying you. Unfortunately, it doesn’t sound like you guys are sexually compatible. It happens all the time. If he’s not interested in the things that excite you and fulfill you sexually then you have a decision to make.

You’ve discussed it with him, given him the information about what you want/like/need, but they’re not things that HE is into. No one is in the wrong here. You’re just not compatible at that level and you should be with someone who is. You’ll find them. 🙂

Anonymous asked sumptuousdaydreams:

I have a situation that I don’t feel comfortable talking to others about very much and maybe get a second opinion before I act on anything. My current boyfriend is kinda OBSESSED with me, and I don;t know if I’m really diggin’ him that much… and him and my mom are really close so I feel like I’m really alone when it comes to helpful advice. Even worse I talked to him numerous times about giving me space, and a week later MY MOM LET HIM MOVE IN. I feel trapped in my relationship & idk what 2 do

If someone is making you uncomfortable like that, you have every right to speak up for yourself, and you NEED to speak up for yourself. Your Mom, unfortunately, has put you in a bad position, but you DEFINITELY need to talk to her about this. You’re walking on eggshells and hoping no one will get upset, but you can’t do that, it will only make the situation worse for you.

Obsessive tendencies in a relationship only get worse. I once had a guy talking about marrying me when I’d only known him for two weeks and after one date! I got out of that as quickly as possible and it’s a good thing too because I started learning a whole bunch of stuff about him afterwards that was less than stellar. Definitely some psychological issues. It wasn’t easy cutting him out though because he made me feel so terrible for not returning his feelings, told me that I had reached into his chest and ripped out his heart, that he had to go to therapy after what I “did”. And, yes, this was after a grand total of three weeks and one date and one kiss (not even a real kiss). He made me feel uncomfortable and came on way too strong when I didn’t feel the same way. I asked him to go slower and he said he would, but he just seemed like he couldn’t help himself. I knew then that it wasn’t going to work and made my exit as quickly as I could.

So my advice is for you to find a way out of this relationship with this guy ASAP. Discuss it with your mom, tell her exactly how uncomfortable and smothered you’re feeling, tell her that you don’t like the way he makes you feel, tell her how you’re feeling trapped. I don’t know what she’ll do because I don’t know her, but hopefully if you sit down with her and let her know that this is getting bad, she’ll listen. As your mother, she should, and most likely will, listen to you. Her relationship with him comes second to her relationship with YOU. She’s your mother, she’s supposed to protect you.

Now, ending it with him…especially since he’s living with you…won’t be easy. If he’s obsessive, he’s not going to let you break up with him so easily. He will argue with you, try to convince you to stay with him, guilt you, anything! If he does anything that makes you feel unsafe, you need to tell your parents or someone at school or someone in a position of authority. Do not, for one second, let him make you feel afraid. You have the power to end it, the RIGHT to end it, and it’s OKAY that you’re not that into him. It sucks and feelings will get hurt, but that’s life. You would be lying to him if you stayed in the relationship when his feelings obviously don’t match yours so breaking up is the right thing to do for you both! It’s not fair to him and it’s not fair to you.

You should be honest with him and tell him that you don’t feel the same way about him that he feels about you. Make it very clear that you don’t want to be in this relationship anymore. I’m not saying crush him into the ground, but if you’re not strong and firm about it, he’ll think he still has a chance to “win you back”. A notion that’s often very delusional and it will be even more uncomfortable for you. It can also get out of control. So be clear, concise, and strong.

You should never feel trapped in a relationship. You have the power to get out. Believe that and keep reminding yourself of that, no matter how messy it is with your mom and him staying with you. If you ever feel afraid or he crosses a line, tell someone immediately and get help.

If you want to talk more about this, message me again, and we can discuss it privately. Even if it’s only so you just have someone to vent to.