Tag: orgasm

I assume that when you say that you’re “scared of the feelings” you mean how overwhelming and intense an orgasm can be? Let me address that first.

1)

Try some deep breathing. It’s like you’re trying to breathe every
ounce of pleasure happening to your body further inside yourself. You
feel it more acutely and then you have to relax and ALLOW your body to
feel it (in the exhale). Men get all tight and clenched right before
they orgasm, but women need to be as calm and open to pleasure as they
can possibly be in order to allow their body to crest and fall over the
tipping point.

2) It gets intense and it can feel like too much. But don’t hold your breath or psych yourself out. Nothing bad is going to happen to you. It won’t hurt. Let it wash over you and build. Grab onto your partner, trust them, and let yourself go. This takes practice, but you can get there.

So, the first step is to talk to your partner about this. Tell him how
you’ve been feeling. He’s in it with you, you’re not alone. A HUGE part of being able to relax during sex is if you trust the person you’re with. Another aspect of it is having self confidence. Are you second guessing yourself a lot during it? Are you feeling insecure about some things? If you trust your partner, they can be a source of relief for you. If they know you’re having trouble letting go, they can help by slowing things down. It can be so sexy to have your partner whispering how hot they find you and reminding you to breathe into it, let go, tell you that you’re safe, how much they want you – really anything. Think about what he can do or say that would help you relax when you’re together, what would give you more confidence, and then tell him that! If he cares about you, he will want to do everything he can to make your experience more pleasurable. Talk it out.

Now, this is just a guess on my part, but it sounds like you’re putting a TON of pressure on yourself because you feel like you’re always running out of time with the long distance thing.

You gotta take the pressure off. Stop rushing it. Stop forcing it. Let it happen naturally. I know you want to make the most of your time together, but it’s not helping you to be so focused on this aspect. The key here is to stop thinking about an orgasm. It’s about the journey, not the destination. 😉 If you’re so intently focused on orgasming, that’s all you’re going to think about when you’re together. You’re going to hyper-fixate, obsess, worry, and then guilt yourself when it obviously doesn’t happen because you’ve been psyching yourself out the whole time.

Slow it down. Make out a lot. Heavy petting. Have him go down on you. Prolong everything you do before p in v intercourse.
Be soaking wet and horny as hell.

You wanna be halfway there before he’s even inside of you.  Then don’t think about having an orgasm, simply focus on experiencing pleasure. The less thinking you do, the more relaxed you’ll be, and you’ll get to just enjoy it all.

Some great sex positions for girls to orgasm

See, the problem with “faking it” though I get it (and I’ve done it) is that you mislead your partner into thinking something worked for you when it didn’t. It’s giving them false information and then later they think ‘well why isn’t this working? It worked when I did it last time!’

So “faking it” – while sometimes you just know it’s not going to happen and you don’t want to hurt their feelings and you just want to go to sleep – is only going to hurt your sex life. If you make them believe that something works for you, it’s only natural that they’ll continue to repeat it. When someone has trouble orgasming, a lot more exploration and experimenting needs to happen. You can’t just keep doing the same thing that never works.

It sucks that you’ve gotten to a point where you feel like you can’t be honest and sex is just an anxiety provoking chore that makes you feel like crap about yourself. Let’s change it!

You’re just gonna have to tell her. There’s no script. There’s no standard “right way” to do it. It’s gonna be awkward, and she will likely be upset with you, but wow oh wow you need to bite that bullet because it will GET BETTER from there. Nothing will change until you actually step up and change it for both of you.

Pick a moment that feels right to you, when it’s quiet, when neither of you are distracted by anything else, when it’s calm, and just come out with it. She’ll probably be hurt and upset that you lied/misled her because she’s the one who’s going to feel enormously embarrassed and maybe even guilty because she couldn’t tell the difference and she hasn’t been able to satisfy you. But the point of doing this is that you both get on the same page and you don’t end up resenting her! Also, so that sex can become something enjoyable and fun for you, not the mess that it is now. I guarantee you that this is not what she wants for you and she will feel HORRIBLE that this is what you go through when you’re having sex. I know you don’t want to hurt her, but this is to help you BOTH in the long run. So it’ll hurt but your relationship will grow stronger for it.

So you tell her that you love her (if you’re at that stage), that you love being with her, and that she’s amazing. You tell her that you’ve been afraid of letting her down by admitting that you never quite finish. Tell her you’ve never had an orgasm even when you masturbate so you have no idea what it feels like and you don’t know how to make it happen. (Maybe she can give you some tips on how she approaches it!) You tell her the truth, which is that you think it’s your fault that you can’t orgasm and you’re upset that this is happening (it’s not true though, it’s not your fault and it’s not her fault, it’s just something you have to work on TOGETHER to make it happen), you explain to her that you feel so guilty for lying – that’s why you don’t really initiate sex. Not because you don’t want her, but because you’re so worried about all of these other things going through your head.

Reaffirm that you DO want her and that you’re very attracted to her and that (name some things) feels really good and you love that and you love being close to her and you desperately want sex with her, but it’s been frustrating that you can’t get to the very end. You make it about you and your feelings and your worries and your anxiety – never ever say that she’s doing something wrong. (Unless it’s REALLY bad.)

It’s about positive reinforcement. If you make it out that she’s bad in bed, it doesn’t matter if that’s true or not, you’re going to kill any chance of a healthy sex life. The point is to improve your sex life by opening dialogue and talking about what works and what doesn’t. She needs to still feel like she’s desirable and not a total failure so be aware of that, but don’t overdo it because then it’ll be condescending. It’s a fine line to walk.

She might get defensive. She might get angry. She might even blame you!
(She shouldn’t, but if she does, try to stay calm and point out that it’s
hurtful to say that and you’re trying to fix this.) People say things they don’t
mean when it feels like they’re under attack. Make this peaceful. I’m just giving you some different scenarios because people react differently to
“criticism”.

Explain to her that you really do want to have sex, you just want to try new things. I would plan out some ideas in advance. She might ask you “well, what DO you want? What am I supposed to do? I can’t read your mind!”. So instead of having nothing to say, pull out some fantasies. Suggest some toys. Suggest role play. Suggest a different position. Whatever appeals to you. Read about it, google it, read through the tags here, etc. You won’t have an exact answer for her, but this way you have a “plan” and you don’t run into the hopeless feeling of ‘I can’t orgasm and I’ll never orgasm and it’s all pointless and we should just never have sex again!’

Instead, the feeling should be ‘okay so it hasn’t happened yet but it’s going to and this is what I need us to try going forward and we’ll see what happens!’

Whether you feel it or not, you have to come at this from a positive point of view. Nothing’s going to change if you’re just going to be negative and down on yourself. You want change! You want her! You want to feel all the things you should get to feel when you have sex! This is all going to happen and you want it to be with her!

When you guys get past the awkward stage of acceptance and you start trying out new things, new toys, and different positions (you can check the tags for some ideas), keep in mind that it should be FUN. Tell her you want FUN and to keep it light. Who cares if you don’t finish right now? Explain to her that you just want to fool around and if you don’t orgasm, that’s okay, just see if you can keep pushing yourself to get closer to it. The point is that you won’t lie to her about orgasming anymore. You’re going to be honest from here on out!

Make an agreement where if you don’t orgasm and you’re tired, she won’t try to keep going and you don’t want her to feel pressured to make it happen. Maybe you should agree that she won’t ask you whether you’ve orgasmed or not, just that you’ll stop her when you’re ready to stop. When things feel good and it’s working, you’ll tell her and encourage it. If you orgasm, obviously you’ll let her know! Otherwise, no pressure on it. Stop when you want to stop. Kiss her and cuddle. Or turn it around and start going at her! 🙂

If you relax and open yourself to new things, you’ll find out what makes your legs shake and your toes curl. Yes, orgasms are important, but if you make it the be all, end all, it puts too much pressure on what you’re doing. Relax. Deep breaths. Explore. Enjoy whatever pleasure you do get. The orgasm will happen eventually the more you experiment, so focus on the journey, not the destination. 🙂

It’s a simple matter of her wanting to see you lose a bit of control. She ALWAYS orgasms first? Then you have (or she has) to finish you off manually or orally? I think it’s great that you look out for her needs, but you’re either holding back a lot or she’s doing something that you’re not into. If you need her to do something differently, just tell her. She WANTS sex to be just as good for you as it is for her.

When you never just “slip up” and get so into it that you can’t help but fucking blow it before you’re “supposed to”….she can tell you’re holding back and that’s frustrating. It’s also a little disappointing because she wants to know that she’s attractive and sexy enough to make you want to blow your wad right then and there!

Simultaneous orgasms are possible, but you have to work a bit harder for them. The best thing you can do is communicate during sex, be aware of how close she is to orgasm. You should be able to see signs of it (when you’re with someone for a while, it’s easier). She can also verbalize it for you (“I’m so close”), but your best bet is to know exactly what turns her on and exactly when she’s going to orgasm. When she starts getting close, that’s when you need to time your orgasm to match hers.

It’ll be trial and error, but when you see her getting closer, you can feel it/see it/hear it, that’s when you speed up and do whatever you need to do to cum yourself. If you can time it so you’re 5 seconds after her – that would be awesome. Simultaneous orgasms are difficult but achievable if you get your timing down. Takes practice. Most people don’t think to do that which is what leads to the issue of guys always coming faster. You have to actually THINK about working together to cum together. 😉

While you’re trying the “focusing on timing” method. Maybe a few times you can get a little raunchy/wilder than usual, and go all out. Cum while you’re inside of her. Cum before her. Then eat her out or finger fuck her until SHE comes. It’s changing it up. Instead of her finishing you off, finish her off. Either way, you both should always be taken care of!

Have fun!

Maybe you’re right, that she doesn’t care enough about your needs like you care about hers. If that’s the case, then you guys don’t stand a chance and you should get out now.

Maybe you’re wrong and she actually really does care a great deal but her inability to get you to orgasm is making her feel inadequate. So much so that she’s starting to feel insecure about all of it and it comes across as her not wanting to try harder or do different things. Instead, she doesn’t want to try more because that only means failing even more, and then she feels like she’s letting you down – that she’s not good enough for you – that she’s not enough for you.

I don’t know what the truth is.

So my advice? 1) She’s gonna have to learn to figure out how to get onboard with oral. I mean, really. It has to happen. She’ll get used to it the more she does it. At least she can start off with it and end with her fingers. That way it’s evened out and neither her jaw nor her hand will wear out as quickly. 2) You should save up money for that dildo or strap on. You want to orgasm, you gotta work for it. You need to figure out what the best thing is for you and the only way to do that is through experimentation.

Make sure she knows that it’s not her fault that it takes you a longer time – it’s different for everyone! Really sit down with her and explain (WITHOUT ARGUING) how bad it makes you feel when she stops and it makes you think that she doesn’t care enough to please you. Be as openly honest as you can, heartfelt, vulnerable, all of it. It’s the only way to really get through to a person.

Don’t accuse her of anything. Use “I statements”. I feel, I want, I wish, I like, I don’t like, etc. Nothing that comes across as “YOU DON’T LOVE ME ENOUGH TO MAKE ME CUM”. For example: “it makes me feel like you don’t care about me and that hurts so much” vs. “you don’t care about what I need, I care more about you than you do about me!”

Big difference, right?

After that conversation, try those different positions you want to try. Get her excited about them by being excited to try them on her as well! It seems like you might be encroaching on the rut of “sex as a chore”. So break out of it. Try some new stuff. Don’t put all the focus on the orgasm, just enjoy whatever it is you do feel. Try doing lots of foreplay, have fun, and neither of you orgasm! It’ll take the pressure off, and in the process, actually help you get closer to your goal.

If an orgasm is the only thing you care about, then you’re not doing it right.