I think 9th and 10th grade is still too young, but it starts to become more acceptable (based on individual maturity levels) for juniors and seniors. Not that everyone should start having sex right then, but for some people. that can be the right time for them.
It’s really based on the person. I don’t think ANYONE should be having sex before they’re 16 really and 16 is still freaking young.
You likely tore your hymen. Nothing to worry about. Absolutely normal. If the bleeding continues or is heavy, then that would be a time to see a doctor. But from what you described, you’re fine. Everything going just as it should! 🙂
I’m so sorry for what happened to you. I won’t presume to understand what you went through and how it affects you still, but I can see that it would affect your perception of sex and everything involved with it. It changes it – all of it.
Perhaps what you need now is to work on finding a way to change it again. Change it for the better and take back what was tainted for you so unfairly.
I think this might be a case of miscommunication. You’re coming from a very different place than your girlfriend, a very different view of everything. Because of what you went through, you’re highly sensitive to things that other people, who haven’t been through what you have, are not. Subtle touches, average physical contact, those things are different for you. So it’s possible that your girlfriend might think she’s being restrained, but it’s still too much for you. What she believes is holding back, is not what you see holding back as. Do you know what I mean?
I don’t know what your girlfriend is thinking or where she is with all of this. The best advice I can give you is to have a flat out, brutally honest, conversation with her, explaining that you feel she’s pressuring you and how uncomfortable it makes you. You’re not ready, and that’s more than okay. So find a way to communicate that to her. You’re not ready now, but it doesn’t mean you won’t ever be. You’re not ready for all of it, but maybe you’re ready for some of it. Find out what that is. Talk about it. Talk constantly. Always check in with each other. She’s feeling frustrated, you’re feeling pressured, so now you have to find a compromise.
I’m sure that if you explain to her that what she’s been doing has been too much for you, she’d feel terrible about it and pull back. Maybe you’ve been putting off having that direct of a conversation with her because you’re embarrassed or you don’t want to hurt her feelings or maybe it’s because you want to be able to give her what she’s asking for and you’re upset with yourself for not being able to. I don’t know. Only you know.
You have to figure this out for yourself and set the pace for yourself, then tell her what that is. Work with her. Don’t shut her out and don’t let her push you to places you’re uncomfortable with because you don’t want to be “weird” or make her feel guilty. This kind of situation requires an enormous amount of trust and a great deal of constant communication. It’s not easy, but it will get easier with time.
Don’t let this stop you from continuing to move forward with exploring your sexuality and your sexual needs, Just do it at your own pace and take it slooooooooow. You guys are so young. There’s nothing wrong with backing off and just taking baby steps. Think of it this way, you should try mastering each step before moving on to the next. Get your PhD in making out. Get your masters in petting and groping. Find out everything there is to know about each other – not just sex. You’re babies. Just keep your hands on yourselves instead of each other for a while. 😉
All in good time.
Not at all! If he’s ready to have sex, by all means, take the reins. He’ll be grateful to you for it! If he’s not ready, then that’s another story, and you need to take it slow. Wait until he says or shows that he’s ready to take the next step. Don’t push.
But if you both agree that you’re ready to have sex, then go ahead! If you show him what to do, he’ll feel a lot more at ease and more confident.
Okay, well, one: why are you terrified of sex?
Two: Tell your girlfriend, with all honesty – no jokes, no room for misinterpretation – that you are NOT READY. Tell her that you need her to respect that and then draw a line. Tell her what you feel comfortable doing and where the line is for what you’re not ready to do. (Ie. Anything below the waist.)
If she doesn’t respect that, then you have a much bigger problem than a horny girlfriend and you might want to consider breaking up with her. Don’t ever let someone push you into doing something you don’t feel comfortable with. They don’t have that right. Girl or boy, it doesn’t matter.
You are both way too young. So tell her to slow down, that YOU need her to slow down, and see what happens. Sex will be there when you’re ready for it. There’s no rush. Seriously, it’s not a race! There’s no house on fire! If she’s horny, she can handle it herself. She’s not going to die if she doesn’t have sex.
Just make your boundaries clear and if she keeps pushing them, then you need to push back and show her just how serious you are. This isn’t a joke, this isn’t something she can seduce you into doing. Tell her to stop when she goes too far and if she doesn’t, end it with her. Because no one ever gets to do that to you. They’re not respecting your wishes and they’re not respecting YOU. No healthy relationship can work that way. It’s a fundamental issue of respect. If she shows none for you, then how can you be with her? Just draw the line.
The biggest problem you’re having right here is the fact that you’re letting your friend dictate what you’re “allowed” to do. That’s ridiculous. It’s their opinion, but you don’t have to agree with it. You do what feels right for YOU.
If you feel comfortable and you want to progress with your relationship, then that’s YOUR right! No one gets to tell you what you are or are not ready for. Are you young? Yes. But honestly, you’re not TOO young. If this is really what you want, not something you feel pressured into, then it’s okay. You’re exploring, experimenting, etc. Just don’t rush into anything. That’s all. And don’t do anything that makes you feel like you’re getting ahead of yourself. You have all the time in the world so don’t go running into the fray when you can just ease yourself into it. It doesn’t have to be a frantic, jumbled, rush. Take your time.
I do think it’s a good idea that you try masturbating! It will help you get to know your body instead of relying on your boyfriend to figure it out for you. Trust me when I say that will NOT go as planned. The more you know about what you like, the more you can help him, the better EVERYTHING will be.
Of course you’re allowed to let him go down on you if you want it! It’s YOUR body! YOUR relationship! People can weigh in with their opinions, but it’s always up to you in the end. If you want it, go for it! Don’t let anyone make you feel like you’re wrong for wanting sex. There are no rules when it comes to being ready, it’s differerent for everyone. Some people are ready earlier in life, others feel better waiting.
There’s always one person that likes to take the plunge into a cold pool, all at once, and then there’s the other person that likes to slowly climb down the ladder into the water, inch by inch. Neither of them are wrong. It’s just a personal preference and what they feel comfortable in doing.
As a sex educator, I find that I do a lot less eye-opening education about theory and psychosociology than I do myth-busting misconceptions about basic facts of anatomy and physiology.
And that’s not your fault, general public.
And in point of fact, I really don’t mind answering your questions, whatever they are—even these four! As far as I see it, I’m a one-woman public service provider, and I will do all that it takes to give you what you need.
And sometimes, myth-busting is exactly what you need.
Or, you know, adequate comprehensive, inclusive, pleasure-based sexuality education on a national scale, but I gave up Idealism years ago.
So let me put my Realist hat on to help you navigate through the murky waters of these four myths about virginity.
Condoms are only about 80% effective. Accidents happen with condoms – they can break or slip off or something could wrong. So, ideally, you want to be on birth control AND use a condom to be as safe as you possibly can.
If your doctor isn’t someone you trust to keep your confidence then I suggest you google free clinics in your area (such as Planned Parenthood). They will be able to help you with all your questions about safe sex, testing, and birth control needs. And, no, they will not contact your parents. They are required by law to keep your records confidential.
Slim to none.
Okay, if it’s your first time you’re going to want to go slowly but I can assure you that you won’t have any problems with being too small — especially for your own fingers.
The trick is to make sure that you’re aroused, so you can fully enjoy what you’re doing. So, take your time. Watch some porn, lay in bed and tease yourself — your breasts, your clit, whatever works. You don’t have to rush yourself along and just shove your fingers inside yourself. That isn’t really pleasant for anyone.
So, once you’re feeling nice and relaxed and probably very wet from all the teasing you’ve been doing, then start fingering yourself. You can start with one finger and go slowly, building up from there. Just explore yourself a bit and really enjoy what you’re doing. If you’re wet, you shouldn’t have any problems with putting your fingers inside of yourself. (Hell, if you’re too nervous to get wet on your own, use some lube which you can buy from basically anywhere to help get you into the mood).
See what works for you, though. One finger. Two fingers. Whatever. Switch up the angles, or the speed, and see what really turns you on. In no time, you should be able to find out what really turns you on and build on it from there. There’s plenty of time to explore what feels good, and there is literally no right way to masturbate, so have fun with it!
-teagan.
Sumptuous Daydreams 