Tag: couples

In your opinion, when does jealousy turn into obsession? When is it too much in a relationship?

In my opinion (thank you for letting that be clear because it’s a personal preference and not a psychological fact – though there actually isn’t an official APA consensus on this issue), I think a little jealousy is healthy, normal, and natural in a romantic relationship. Someone is flirting with your significant other and you get those little possessive butterflies, and you want to show everyone who your partner is going home with, and then it makes for a great night in bed afterwards. It’s not that you don’t feel like you’re not enough or that you really believe your partner will want someone else, it’s more like a reminder of what you have and how happy/proud/excited you are to be with them. Seeing the possibility of them with someone else just elicits that reminder and (in a trustworthy relationship) it shouldn’t do much more than bring out a tiny bit of possessive PDA and maybe a little bit more raunchiness in bed – all in good fun! 😉

Anything more than that crosses the line into lack of trust and it’s an indicator of low self esteem/self worth in the person who experiences jealousy. It becomes negative and unhealthy possessive behavior, possibly becomes aggressive, and possibly becomes violent. Explosive jealousy is the worst kind and has no part in a relationship. If someone feels so insecure about themselves that they lash out at anyone they deem a threat to their relationship, they usually end up taking it out on their partner the most. Backfires, right? The one thing they’re trying so hard to protect, they end up putting at risk. When you’re too worried about how to keep your relationship “safe”, you forget to enjoy being in the relationship to begin with.

Some people struggle with more self esteem issues than others and that’s because they’ve probably gone through some bad experiences in the past. Trust issues are extremely common for one simple reason: trust is easily, and often, betrayed. Jealousy is a result of those past betrayals and lack of self worth. So it’s up to you to determine what is an acceptable amount of jealousy and what isn’t because everyone is different. There’s no standard threshold. It’s about what you’re comfortable with, but in saying that, you also need to make sure that you’re aware of what you’re allowed to expect from partners and know what you don’t have to accept.

If you have to reassure someone a little more than usual early on in the relationship (not when you’ve been together for something like 2 years) and you’re comfortable with that, then that’s more than okay! However, if you’re making different decisions about where you go and who you see, hiding completely innocent things, and/or walking on eggshells when it comes to mentioning certain friends/activities, all because your partner might take it the wrong way and get jealous or be upset and cause another argument that you just don’t want to have again…then that’s far too much. Far too much. It’s crossed the line and you should never let yourself be put in that position.

The basis of a relationship is founded on trust, loyalty, and mutual respect. If your partner can’t trust you to be loyal and if your partner doesn’t trust you enough to believe that you’ll make decisions that are respectful of your relationship then what is the point? You end up living your life based on their obsessive and unacceptable needs. Sometimes it’s so subtle that you don’t even notice it until you’re in over your head and it feels nearly impossible to get out of.

Obsession is so far off the scale of jealousy that you should never be in a relationship where it actually reaches that point. That’s just scary and should be avoided at all costs. You should feel free to do whatever you want to do, see whoever you want to see, hang out with whoever you want to hang out with, go to whatever party you want to go to, and if you don’t feel free to do that because your partner will get jealous and freak out on you (when you’ve given them no reason to be and you are 100 percent loyal to them)…you have a problem in that relationship that needs to be addressed and if it’s not corrected, then it’s not something you should be doing anymore.

I broke up with my ex gf 6 months ago, we were together for 2years. Since then I keep worrying I will never be able to be intimate with someone else. I don’t know if it’s because I’m still in love with her or if i just feel extremely insecure. I don’t know how to get out of this situation. I can’t even picture myself in a relationship and it scares me to go out and meet people. I’ve become someone else and I’m terrified I’ll never find myself again. What should I do?

It’s hard to imagine what your life will be like when you’ve spent two years building a life around one person. It’s a shock to the system, really. Everything’s suddenly changed and now what are you supposed to do? You had plans, they were supposed to be there with you, and now that’s all dust. It’s not easy, it’s never easy, but it IS manageable.

Time heals all wounds. I know it’s cliche, but it’s true. You need more time and you need to start finding (more) ways to move her out of your life. You may not see her anymore (if you do, you have to find a way to limit that), but I’m willing to bet you still have reminders of her around. Get rid of them. Put away the pictures, the tshirts, delete the songs you listened to together – ones that remind you of her, delete/block her from any social media forums so you don’t feel tempted to “creep”. Remove her from your life and eventually her presence in your mind and your heart will start to fade. I know that sounds awful and you probably don’t even want that to happen, but it needs to happen and you know that. You won’t forget her or what you shared; you just need to make her less of constant presence in your mind and in your heart. The pain will start to lessen.

It takes time and everyone processes it differently. You may not be able to see a relationship in the future right now and that’s okay. Don’t think about relationships. Think about friends. Think about meeting new people. Don’t put the pressure on finding love, intimacy, and commitment. That will happen again someday when you meet the right person and it will just click for you. Sometimes it takes meeting someone new to truly realize that it is possible to move on. You WILL find love again, but only when you want to. And that will happen eventually as well. Don’t force yourself to make it happen. Live your life, try to be open, and someone will come along and surprise you. You can’t close yourself off – it’s hard not to do, but if you’re aware of it, you can control it.

The first step is removing her from your life in every way you can, just so that you can start to truly accept that it’s over – no matter how painful that may be, it’s going to help you in the long run.

Then you’re going to spend time with your friends and your family and you’re not going to worry about finding someone. You’re going to surround yourself with love and support and have fun. Meeting people doesn’t have to mean dating them. Just make friends. Take baby steps. I promise, when you’re ready, it will all come together. Just focus on yourself now – find you again. Figure out who you are without her. This is your time.

You will love again. It just takes time and (contrary to Cosmo’s “dating rules” blegh) there is no set time to get over someone. You will move on when you are ready to move on. Accept that it will happen somehow, someday in the future and then forget about it. Set all thoughts of dating and romance aside. You don’t need it right now. Focus on your life and what you want to accomplish. Life takes us on some very strange journeys. We never know where we’re going to end up and that’s the best part. 😉 Enjoy it.