They argue a lot and say that’s normal and it happens all the time. I
don’t like it, I can’t stand it because I know from experience that
that’s how it all starts. He threw a bag in the ground in his fury. Next
time it won’t be a bag, it would be her. I couldn’t stand to be silent
so I told her that he could become dangerous with time and that he is
not the best choice for her. She told me: When you find the one you
love, you will understand me. I was stunned but told her that if you
really love
someone, you won’t pull that crap on them. She agreed but they are still
planning a wedding next year and I will be a bridesmaid. What do I do
in this case? Whatever I thought of I tried it. I even talked to the guy
and explained they need to have a balance if they want this to work
out. Not sure it our talk got to him. This is complicated and I totally
don’t want my friend to get hurt in the end of all this fiasco. I want
to open her eyes but idk how? I would be grateful for any suggestions.
Let me preface this with the fact that I’m not a therapist or a licensed counselor. So I can only offer my non-professional opinion based on my own personal experiences and here it is: you can’t convince her.
She will have to find whatever rock bottom there is and experience the final straw of abuse before she opens her eyes to what situation she’s in and how unhappy she actually is. Don’t support their relationship, but if you want to be there for your friend, support her. If you can do it without sacrificing your own mental health and well being, support your friend. Stay with her. She sounds like she’s grieving and has wound up in a really unhealthy codependent relationship where she’s trying to fill that void of loss. You can be so wrapped up in these things that it takes far too long to come out, but she has to come to this realization on her own and you can’t make it happen any faster.
Hopefully it will happen eventually and hopefully it will be sooner rather than later. You say they’ll be married next year? Well, a lot can happen in a year. Don’t criticize the relationship constantly. Let her come to you with her concerns without fear of judgment. Be that solid rock of security that she needs. It takes so much strength to hold back your opinion and your desperate need to shake some damn sense into her. You want to scream at her until you’re blue in the face about how she deserves so much better, how awful he’s treating her, how she deserves real happiness, but none of it will work. You have to be calm and steady. Listen to her, be a confidant, offer your honest opinion when she ASKS for it. Don’t give unsolicited advice or opinions. If she’s telling you about some new godawful argument they’re having or asshole thing he’s done, ask if you can offer her some honest feedback and try to be gentle but firm (it’s such a hard line to walk!). If she doesn’t want to hear it, then she won’t hear it. So try to ask and don’t force the issue if she’s not ready to hear it.
Being the best friend you can be is to continue to be there for her and while never condoning the abusive relationship she’s in, show her that you won’t leave her and you won’t lecture her and you won’t judge her (that’s big!). If things get worse, if things grow violent and physical, she needs to know that you’re not going to say “I told you so”. Otherwise she won’t come to you for help. She’ll hide it. She’ll feel ashamed. She’ll feel completely alone and her situation will grow so much worse that way. She needs all the unconditional love and support she can get. Be her friend. Love her. Hold your tongue as much as you can and let her lean on you. Let her find her way.
Sumptuous Daydreams 