I grew up in unstable family with lots of arguments and sometimes violence. Things are better now but I am attuned to it. One of my closest friends got engaged recently. She grew up in a loving family but her father recently passed away so I was really happy for her that she found someone to share her life with. Untill I met the guy. He is erratic and they have no balance, not good for her, idek why they got together even. He has violent tantrums when he is upset about something and that’s often

They argue a lot and say that’s normal and it happens all the time. I
don’t like it, I can’t stand it because I know from experience that
that’s how it all starts. He threw a bag in the ground in his fury. Next
time it won’t be a bag, it would be her. I couldn’t stand to be silent
so I told her that he could become dangerous with time and that he is
not the best choice for her. She told me: When you find the one you
love, you will understand me. I was stunned but told her that if you
really love
someone, you won’t pull that crap on them. She agreed but they are still
planning a wedding next year and I will be a bridesmaid. What do I do
in this case? Whatever I thought of I tried it. I even talked to the guy
and explained they need to have a balance if they want this to work
out. Not sure it our talk got to him. This is complicated and I totally
don’t want my friend to get hurt in the end of all this fiasco. I want
to open her eyes but idk how? I would be grateful for any suggestions.

Let me preface this with the fact that I’m not a therapist or a licensed counselor. So I can only offer my non-professional opinion based on my own personal experiences and here it is: you can’t convince her.

She will have to find whatever rock bottom there is and experience the final straw of abuse before she opens her eyes to what situation she’s in and how unhappy she actually is. Don’t support their relationship, but if you want to be there for your friend, support her. If you can do it without sacrificing your own mental health and well being, support your friend. Stay with her. She sounds like she’s grieving and has wound up in a really unhealthy codependent relationship where she’s trying to fill that void of loss. You can be so wrapped up in these things that it takes far too long to come out, but she has to come to this realization on her own and you can’t make it happen any faster.

Hopefully it will happen eventually and hopefully it will be sooner rather than later. You say they’ll be married next year? Well, a lot can happen in a year. Don’t criticize the relationship constantly. Let her come to you with her concerns without fear of judgment. Be that solid rock of security that she needs. It takes so much strength to hold back your opinion and your desperate need to shake some damn sense into her. You want to scream at her until you’re blue in the face about how she deserves so much better, how awful he’s treating her, how she deserves real happiness, but none of it will work. You have to be calm and steady. Listen to her, be a confidant, offer your honest opinion when she ASKS for it. Don’t give unsolicited advice or opinions. If she’s telling you about some new godawful argument they’re having or asshole thing he’s done, ask if you can offer her some honest feedback and try to be gentle but firm (it’s such a hard line to walk!). If she doesn’t want to hear it, then she won’t hear it. So try to ask and don’t force the issue if she’s not ready to hear it.

Being the best friend you can be is to continue to be there for her and while never condoning the abusive relationship she’s in, show her that you won’t leave her and you won’t lecture her and you won’t judge her (that’s big!). If things get worse, if things grow violent and physical, she needs to know that you’re not going to say “I told you so”. Otherwise she won’t come to you for help. She’ll hide it. She’ll feel ashamed. She’ll feel completely alone and her situation will grow so much worse that way. She needs all the unconditional love and support she can get. Be her friend. Love her. Hold your tongue as much as you can and let her lean on you. Let her find her way.

Kind of an embarrassing question, but I do still live with my family, am too embarrassed to make a purchase for a vibratory (and a few other things😉) in a store, but when online shops say discreet packaging, is there really no way of telling what it is? I just want to be sure

If your family is in the habit of opening your packages, then I wouldn’t advise it. But, yes, it is very discreet. It’s just a brown box usually. They won’t know what it is unless they open it. Hope that helps!

My girlfriend and I split up recently, but we ended on good terms. We parted because she didn’t want a long distance relationship, though I was willing to try it out with her. She left and we still occasionally text, but she doesn’t really reply me or talk to me as much anymore. I don’t know if I should move on or not because she made me so many promises right before she left, so I’m really confused about what to do. I still love her, and I want her to be happy, but this is killing me. Help?

It sounds like she’s moving on. If she said she doesn’t want long distance and you guys officially broke up, then the other stuff she said was probably a way to let you (and herself) down easy – trying to soften the blow and all that.

It seems pretty clear that she ended it. You parted ways on good terms and sometimes that can be confusing when you don’t have that FINALITY that helps with moving on.

If it helps, maybe you could write her an email or text her, telling her that there’s no hard feelings, but you don’t want to leave anything open ended. No promises for the future. That you want for both of you to go your separate ways and maybe even tell her that you’re glad your paths crossed for a while. This way YOU get to break up with her as well and it can be that feeling of finality that you need in order to move on too.

Always make a clean break (if possible). I would suggest no more contact with each other (at least for a long while). You need time to truly separate and you can’t do that if you’re still occasionally in touch with your ex that you have feelings for. Make the break and give yourself time to heal without any lingering confusion.