hi, my bf and I have been together for about 3 years now, and when we first had sex it was outdoors. we kept doing things in public places coz it was a turn on for both of us and now its not for me but hes still into it. my libido has dropped a lot as well and I feel like our sex life has died because of me even though we regularly give oral to each other, and he fingers me and stuff… is there any way of increasing sex drive again? :/

First, it’s not unusual to experience this. It’s a common factor with women because much more goes into our sex drive than just hormones. For men, it’s more common to just have a “plumbing issue”, but for women, it’s more complicated. Decreased libido comes down to two things: external factors or a decline/conflict in the relationship.

By external factors, I mean are you taking any new medication, do you have any health issues going on, are you sleeping enough, are you experiencing more stress than usual, are you anxious/depressed, etc.

If you’re not experiencing the “external factors” then it might be time to look at your relationship. Are you getting bored? Are you guys still on the same page as you were a year ago or two years ago? After 3 years you’ve reached the point where you have to decide is this going to be a lifer or is it starting to fizzle out?

You say you’re still going outside often to have sex, but it’s not doing anything for you. Well, change that! Do something different. Be more spontaneous. Try different positions (get a book on sex positions and see which ones interest you then TRY them – try them all! lol). Use toys. Roleplay. Have sex on the washing machine during the spin cycle! lol. You get where I’m going with this.

You need to think about what sexually excites you and go for it. Pushing through the boredom and the sexual rut you’re in is the only way to break out of it and start something new that will get your sex drive going again. You know what to expect now. It’s the same thing each time. You’ve been with him for years, it happens. You do the same things over and over and it’s boring. How can you possibly get excited about that? So change it up!

If it’s not working, no matter how well rested you are, well adjusted you are, or how many different things you try…then perhaps you’ll have to consider a deeper reason going on that’s causing your lack of sexual interest. Maybe this is your body telling you what your mind isn’t ready to accept – that it isn’t working with him anymore. Not just sex, but all of it.