I’m a girl and just started a relationship with a guy a few weeks ago. This is the 2nd guy I’ve been with; the first one was a few years ago when I was a lot younger and he forced me into some stuff that was really not okay. For a long time I couldn’t even think about it, but it’s been a while. I’m still worried though that if anything sexual happens with the new guy I’ll panic and remember the last time and not be able to do anything with him even though I like him and want him to be happy.

The best thing you can do is explain to him that you want to take it slow. You don’t have to tell him everything that happened to you right away. Just start off by explaining that you had a bad experience in the past and you need things to move at a pace you’re comfortable with. If he understands that you want to be the one to initiate something, then he should back off and let that happen. If he doesn’t, he’s not someone you want to be with anyway.

You might have some flashbacks and bad moments and times where things move just a little too fast before you’re ready for them to happen and that’s okay! Just don’t give up. It’s not going to feel like that for forever.

First, you need to trust the person you’re with. Nothing is going to feel right or safe or comfortable for you unless you trust them. So focus on building your relationship with him rather than focusing on sex with him. Get to know him better, let him know you better, become close friends, and take small steps towards physical intimacy.

If he’s the right person, he’ll respect the boundaries you set, and you will be able to get through it together. Don’t close yourself off though, it’s too easy to do that, and it’s not going to get you what you want. Be clear with him about what’s okay and what isn’t. Don’t ever be afraid to tell him you want to stop or you’re not comfortable with something. It is your body, your right, YOUR DECISION. It’s not something to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. If you need to stop, then you need to stop. There is always a new day.

No one is allowed to take away your choice. It is your right to choose what you want. If they try to force you to do something you are not comfortable with then THEY are wrong and you should be angry with them for ever trying to make you do it. You are not wrong, THEY are. You have the right to stand up for yourself and say what it is you want, no one, NO ONE, is allowed to make you do anything sexually that you do not want to do. If anything like that happens, you need to tell someone and report them.

I know you like him and you’re worried this “problem” will drive him away, but you can’t think like that. This isn’t about his happiness. This is about your happiness AND his. A relationship is about partnership. When you’re with someone, whatever you go through, they’re going to be in it with you. Together. If he’s the right person, he will be supportive of you, he will protect you, and he will be your partner. You’ve isolated yourself for long enough. Trust is the first step.