hi, me and my boyfriend are sometimes kind of rough during sex, he strangles me, pulls my hair and stuff, but the other day he was holding really tight on my neck whilst i was on top, and it was just too much to handle, so i forced his arm off aggressively and i felt really angry, and i couldn’t fully relax after that as i wanted to let my anger out. was wondering if you think that’s normal, like i was just doing it in defense or something? and is there anything less rough we could try?

You need to set clear boundaries with him. If that’s what you’re into, then by all means, continue! However, you need a safe word. I can’t stress that enough. You need SOMETHING to indicate during sex that what he’s doing is NOT okay with you, that it’s crossing the line. Something that will tell him loud and clear so that he can immediately back off, check in with you, then move on to something else.

Outline the things that are okay and the things that are off limits (ie: hair pulling – okay, pinned down by the back of your neck – not okay). Make a list and write all of it down so there’s no miscommunication. It’s something you should sit down and do together.

I don’t know why you were angry. I’m really not the person to ask. Maybe it was an instinctive response that increased your adrenaline for self defense.

Or maybe you were upset that he went too far. He scared you and someone that you trust like that shouldn’t scare you. It can be seen as a letdown or a betrayal even. That’s something to be angry about. He didn’t protect you like a partner should and that would make anyone angry.

There are a LOT of less rough things to try. Spanking? Restraints? Biting? Tit slapping? A whole world of stuff out there. Are you really okay with the sex being rough at all? If that’s not something you’re into, it’s OKAY to tell him that you don’t want that. Never do anything you feel uncomfortable or unsafe doing. If he continues to be too aggressive during sex after you’ve talked to him about it, that’s when you really need to stop and consider what you’re doing with this guy and that it’s time to end it. No one, male or female, has the right to push you to do anything you don’t want to.